Is It Even Possible?

Have you ever missed a place that you never really knew?

It's Never Felt So...Right

So, i did it! :)

I survived a week straight with my parents. We went to the beach. Yea, 12 hour drive with my parents...not so much. But it ended up not being as bad as I expected, and the beach itself was completely worth what few bad times there were.

Plus, I learned some things about myself. Or, I guess you can say they're about me.

Remember me saying before that I wasn't sure if I ever will find someone, settle down, start a family, etc, etc.? Well...I'm still not sure. And I'm completely okay with that. But I did learn a few things about what I would like in a relationship if the opportunity ever came along. (Is it bad that I learn what I want in a relationship based on what I don't like about my parents'...)

1~ I want a guy who's got some adventure. I love trying new things, and my mom used to be the same way. But my dad never has liked the whole "out with old, in with the new" idea. And over the years she's changed because of it. Even when I finally talked her into trying something new, she was so nervous that all she kept saying the 3 days leading up to it was "I don't know about this," "this is stupid," "this is dangerous," "i shouldn't do this,". She used to be all about adventure, and trying something a little dangerous. I don't ever want to lose my adventure like she did. Especially not because of someone else. I want to enjoy new experiences with the guy I love, not leave him sitting in the room while I go off and do it on my own.

2~ He can't be afraid of water, he's gotta love it as much as I do. I love being out on the water, whether it be the wide open ocean, a lake, or simply a pool -- he's gotta be willing to jump right in. My dad can't swim, and refuses to go anywhere near water, and because of that he missed out on all the fun. I felt bad leaving him behind, but I wasn't about to let him keep me from enjoying it. I don't ever want to have to be like that with my significant other.

3~ He can't be addicted to work. He needs to want to get away from work for awhile and at the end of the vacation never want to leave. I mean, I want him to enjoy his work. But I don't want him sitting around while we're on vacation waiting for it to be over so he can get back to his job. It's kind of a bummer.

3~ He has to love road trips. He has to be okay with just jumping in the car and driving away. Hours and hours on the road. No destination, just...going. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the view.

4~ We have to be able to talk forever and never run out of things to say. But also be perfectly comfortable being together in silence. My parents aren't so good at either of these.

5~ I could live on the beach for the rest of my life. Usually a week in one place and I get bored but I was never once ready to leave that place. We went jet skiing our third day there and we road through some of the channels. In one area, there were these b-e-a-u-tiful, absolutely gorgeous houses lined up along the water. They had these long docks that lead straight down to the water. There was this one old, stone house. I actually stopped my jet ski right in front of it just to stare at it. All i could think when I looked at it was, "Yea, I could live there. I could stay in that house for the rest of my life." It had the most awe inspiring view where it was sitting. I wanted it. In that moment, more than anything, I wanted that house. I wanted that life.

I started the ski back up and continued, but I was still thinking about that place. I've never felt so sure about a specific place in my life. It was just...right. At one point I even thought to myself, "I'm transferring schools after this coming year anyway...it would be so easy to find one near the beach. Get a place of my own somewhere." I knew it was a stupid idea...but it was all I could think about the rest of the week. All I wanted to do was go back to that house. That's still all I wanna do...

I Know He's Here, But I Don't Look

I watched the sunrise over the Atlantic Ocean this morning...

I saw God today.

Stupid Emotions >:/

Have you ever wanted something? And I mean, REALLY wanted something? And you weren't sure what it was about that something that made you want it so bad, you just knew that you had to have it. But you didn't have the confidence in yourself to go after it?

This has happened to me a few times. But I've never felt it quite like this before. It's a very large and imposing feeling (inside joke) ;) But seriously, it's scary how much this feeling about this one thing has taken over my life right now. I think about it practically all day, every single day.

I want it.

I want it so bad. And I go back and forth between, "Just stop thinking about it and go after it. Have some guts. Find the confidence you need. If you want it this bad, make it yours" and, "It's not worth putting yourself through that pain. You know it'll never be yours." And I so hate being in this place right now.

There are actually several things standing in my way, all of which involve hurting people I love, and quite possibly for no reason whatsoever. Because there's always that chance that it'll simply never be mine. But there are still those moments when I think to myself, "Maybe it's worth hurting them for..."

Don't get me wrong, I HATE, beyond words, that I feel that way. I would never do anything to hurt the people I care so much about. But I honestly can't help it. And I sometimes feel like they're the exact people that are keeping me from what I want more than anything else. And sometimes I despise them for it -- just for a few seconds. Then I hate myself for feeling that way. Then I think to myself, "But why do you always have to sacrifice your own happiness for everyone elses?" So really it's just a vicious cycle that I hate so much.

But what scares me more than anything is that I know what I want is so wrong for me. Not only is it something that will most likley just never happen, it's also something that doesn't ever need to happen. I know it's bad for me, but if the opportunity arose I would take it in a heartbeat. I would make it mine if I could. Even knowing in the end it would do nothing but hurt me and the people that I love.

Why are we so quick to destroy ourselves for temporary happiness?

Raw And Uncut...Okay, Maybe Not (Y)

So this is awkward...

I'm writing this in the middle of the afternoon. I know it's been awhile since I've written, but it's not because I've been sleeping better. I've actually been sleeping less. Between work and three summer classes and some home-projects, and of course friend time...well, I've been busy. No time for sleep. And not much time for writing either. Which is very unfortunate, because it's much needed. I'm not that great at it, and I don't pretend to be. This blog is more of an outlet for me than anything.

However, since I'm not half asleep I'm most likely not going to reveal all the thoughts swimming around in this ol' skull-o-mine. [And trust me there's plenty to choose from]. But a few weeks ago I was tagged in a post challenging me to come up with 25 random facts and such about myself to post in a blog. So here's my best shot:

1 ~ I'm 19 (almost 20). I'm about to start my second year at a Bible College, where I'm studying to get my Associates Bible Degree. From there I plan on transferring to start a Social Work Degree. I'm not 100% on where exactly that's going to take place yet.

2 ~ I'm a fairly laid back person. I'm very average, and I don't pretend to be anything special or different. (Although I have to admit that sometimes I slip into that "look-at-me-I-can-be-interesting-too" persona...I'm not exactly sure that's the most fitting word, but it's what I'm goin' with). For the most part I fade into the background, and I usually like it that way.

3 ~ I love the lake, (and the beach even though I've only seen it once). One of my favorite things to do is watch the sun set over the water and float on my back and gaze up at the stars. It's most definitely one of the most amazing, and peaceful feelings ever. (I went to the lake with a group of friends last night and saw TWO shooting stars) ^_^

4 ~ I used to be all about being alone and having my "me time". But lately I've become obsessed with being surrounded by people. Mostly specific people, but sometimes just anyone will do. I can't stand being alone. I think it's because I was away from everything and everyone I knew for an entire year at school and I felt completely alone for a majority of that time. So I'm taking advantage of my people while I can. We spend every second we can together. It's probably unhealthy, but I don't really care right now.

5~ I can be extremely socially awkard, and I suck at making new friends or fitting in with new people. I'm not the funny one, or the inspiring one. I'm not the talented one or the one that tells all the great stories. I'm not even the one that just has those great moments once in a blue moon where everyone stops and looks at you and laughs, or smiles or just says, "dude, that was deep". I'm usually just...there. I'm okay with it most days, but I can't pretend that it never bothers me. I have to wonder what's wrong with me sometimes.

6 ~ I'm not happy with myself at all right now. Physically, mentally, spiritually...it all sucks. I'm ready for it all to change, but not quite motivated enough to make it happen just yet. Which is a crappy place to be, trust me. But I'm slowly working myself into taking one at a time and fixing it. We'll see how that ends.

7 ~ I'm not happy with the place I'm at in my life right now either. Most people think that college is the best part of life. Freedom without too much responsibility. And maybe it is for most people. But for me it just kinda sucks. I'm ready to be past it. I'm ready to be settled into a career, married with 2.5 kids, a nice car and a respectible house...the American Dream.

Okay, it's about to get a bit confusing:

8 ~ I hate the idea of the American Dream. I'm not so sure that I want to have one specific career for the rest of my life. I don't know if I want to ever get married, or have kids. Or if having one home for the rest of my life makes sense for me. None of it sounds right when I think about it, but it all feels right when I put myself in the middle of it. The problem is, that could just be society talking. Society teaches me to want the American Dream. My faith teaches me to want what God wants for me. And I'm not certain what that is yet. Which is yet another reason why i'm so ready to be past this stage of my life.

9 ~ I used to fight with my family all the time. Lets just say they never really supported the whole Christian thing. But I've noticed that they longer and the farther I am away from them, the better I can get along with them when they're around. And I like it. I'm finding myself missing spending time with them for the first time ever, and actually skipping out on time with my friends to be with them. It's the healthiest relationship I've ever had with my family.

10 ~ I've always been so used to having that one specific person in my life. That one and only person I know will never leave me. Problem is...they always leave. I'm kinda sorta going through that right now and it hurts a little worse everytime. It's breaking my heart. I know that we all change and trust me, we have. I can't say that either one of us has change for the better or for the worse, but we've definitely changed. We just don't quite fit together like we used to. And it's killing me. I know i won't feel better until I let go, but I've always had the hardest time letting go.

This is getting difficult, and a little too somber. Let's try some easy ones:

11 ~ I love music. I've always had a thing for music, but it seems that the older i get the more i fall in love with it. And the more my taste in music expands. I'm pretty much listening to it all right now (except bluegrass. i refuse). And i'm listening to something every chance i get (without being rude, that is). I use music and lyrics to express my mood/feelings a lot of the time. It's taught me a lot over the years, and it can be very understanding. It knows how to put me in a good mood when i've had the worst day. And when i just want to cry, it's a great shoulder to lean on. Some might say it's an unhealthy addiction, but me and my music just tell them to bug off. :P

12 ~ I can be a neat freak when I wanna be. If i'm gonna be spending a whole lot of time in a place, whether it be my bedroom or someone else's house, it has to be neat and organized. I can't stand clutter.

13 ~ I've had two surgeries. One for my appendix and one three months late for my gal-bladder. Neither one was very fun, but other than that I've been pretty healthy. I've never broken any bones or anything. I was really sick when I was younger, and for the longest time they thought it might be something major. but they never found anything, so...who knows.

14 ~ I was in marching band all through high school. I played clarinet originally (in middle school). But when I got to highschool i changed to percussion. I mostly played the keyboard instruments (i.e. marimba, vibrophone, etc.). Then in concert season i switched back to clarinet (although i was never happy about it).

15 ~ I can also mess around on the piano and the drums a little (although it's been a couple of years since i've even attempted either). And I've started attempting to teach my guitar as well. It's going okay so far. But as much as I would love to be great at even one instrument, i don't see it ever happening.

16 ~ One thing that i do kinda take pride in is my ability to draw. I'm not amazing at it, especially compared to my brother and mom, but i do alright considering i've never taken the time to perfect it. maybe one day i'll get around to that...doubt it.

17 ~ Sometimes i can get a little too involved in television. Some of my favorites (not in any specific order) are Supernatural, Doctor Who, One Tree Hill, Glee and Bones. Although right now I'm actually not too into any of them. I catch them when I can, but I've been trying to stay away from the t.v. this summer.

18 ~ I've made a decision this summer to stop trying to be healthy for everyone else and just do it for me. And I've actually stuck with it. I ride my bike at least 10 miles a week (a few miles a few times a week) and i've been making healthier food choices as well. Granted, i don't always follow my rules. But i can already see an improvement, and it's nice to be doing something strictly for me for a change...although i have to admit that if a certain someone else noticed it would definitely make my year) ;)

19 ~ I've always wanted to learn how to snowboard and surf. If i could learn those two things i would be very proud of myself. Plus...it'd just be cool. I'd be the person randomly saying, "Hey, did you know i could surf and snowboard." -- "really? you've only told us a millions times!" -- "oh, sorry...but it's cool though, right?" <--yup, that would be me. I apologize in advance to anyone i may run into if i ever do actually learn how to do either.

20 ~ I have two mentors, who try to consider themselves more as friends now that i've graduated. But I will probably always look to them for advice. Even when i don't go directly to them, i often find myself thinking "what would they do in this situation". I will be forever grateful that God put them in my life. They truly are amazing people.

21 ~ I aboslutely hate the feeling you get when you want something SO FREAKIN' BAD and you know it'll never be yours. Yeah...I've been feelin' that all summer, and it sucks!

22 ~ I don't really have any specific dreams for my life right now. I'm just kinda hangin' on for the ride and waitin' to see what happens. I'm so completely unsure of what my life is and where it's going right now. And I hate that. But I don't really want to fix it right now either.

23 ~ I had two great friends that I haven't seen in quite some time stop by within the past three days. It has most definitely brightened my week. ^_^ Especially because I know that they're both doing pretty great right now. I've seen it with my own two eyes. They've got themselves pretty figured out, and I'm a little jealous. But mostly I'm just happy for them. And I'm super excited to have lunch with one of them next week! :heart:

24 ~ There are certain people in this world that will always have a special place in my heart, even though I may not talk to some of them nearly as much as i would love to anymore, and even though the ones i'm still pretty close to may not always be in my life. They are (in no specific order): Michaela, Jamie, Deidra, Tommy, Becca, Caleb, Heather, Chris, Justin, Loretta and Jody. LOVE YOU GUYS! I don't say that enough.

25 ~ I didn't feel like I really connected with anyone this past year at school. I was completely alone and, as mentioned previously, i suck at meeting new people. But since i've been away from them this summer i've really missed some of them, and can't wait to see them again. I feel like this next year is going to be awesome, and most of that is simply because i've realized how much some of the people at school really mean to me. Part of it may also be that i'm slowly starting to let go of what i thought i had at home. After being home for the summer, it's pretty obvious that it's not mine to claim anymore.

So there I am, completely raw and uncut....okay, maybe not completely true. But the point is I tried my best. Coming up with 25 random bits of information about yourself is difficult. I'm technically supposed to tag 10 people but...i don't have anyone to tag so, sorry. (Not really, but I thought I'd be polite).

Well, methinks I'm gonna go ride my bike to work and keep my friend company for a bit. Peace (Y)