Stupid Emotions >:/

Have you ever wanted something? And I mean, REALLY wanted something? And you weren't sure what it was about that something that made you want it so bad, you just knew that you had to have it. But you didn't have the confidence in yourself to go after it?

This has happened to me a few times. But I've never felt it quite like this before. It's a very large and imposing feeling (inside joke) ;) But seriously, it's scary how much this feeling about this one thing has taken over my life right now. I think about it practically all day, every single day.

I want it.

I want it so bad. And I go back and forth between, "Just stop thinking about it and go after it. Have some guts. Find the confidence you need. If you want it this bad, make it yours" and, "It's not worth putting yourself through that pain. You know it'll never be yours." And I so hate being in this place right now.

There are actually several things standing in my way, all of which involve hurting people I love, and quite possibly for no reason whatsoever. Because there's always that chance that it'll simply never be mine. But there are still those moments when I think to myself, "Maybe it's worth hurting them for..."

Don't get me wrong, I HATE, beyond words, that I feel that way. I would never do anything to hurt the people I care so much about. But I honestly can't help it. And I sometimes feel like they're the exact people that are keeping me from what I want more than anything else. And sometimes I despise them for it -- just for a few seconds. Then I hate myself for feeling that way. Then I think to myself, "But why do you always have to sacrifice your own happiness for everyone elses?" So really it's just a vicious cycle that I hate so much.

But what scares me more than anything is that I know what I want is so wrong for me. Not only is it something that will most likley just never happen, it's also something that doesn't ever need to happen. I know it's bad for me, but if the opportunity arose I would take it in a heartbeat. I would make it mine if I could. Even knowing in the end it would do nothing but hurt me and the people that I love.

Why are we so quick to destroy ourselves for temporary happiness?

Raw And Uncut...Okay, Maybe Not (Y)

So this is awkward...

I'm writing this in the middle of the afternoon. I know it's been awhile since I've written, but it's not because I've been sleeping better. I've actually been sleeping less. Between work and three summer classes and some home-projects, and of course friend time...well, I've been busy. No time for sleep. And not much time for writing either. Which is very unfortunate, because it's much needed. I'm not that great at it, and I don't pretend to be. This blog is more of an outlet for me than anything.

However, since I'm not half asleep I'm most likely not going to reveal all the thoughts swimming around in this ol' skull-o-mine. [And trust me there's plenty to choose from]. But a few weeks ago I was tagged in a post challenging me to come up with 25 random facts and such about myself to post in a blog. So here's my best shot:

1 ~ I'm 19 (almost 20). I'm about to start my second year at a Bible College, where I'm studying to get my Associates Bible Degree. From there I plan on transferring to start a Social Work Degree. I'm not 100% on where exactly that's going to take place yet.

2 ~ I'm a fairly laid back person. I'm very average, and I don't pretend to be anything special or different. (Although I have to admit that sometimes I slip into that "look-at-me-I-can-be-interesting-too" persona...I'm not exactly sure that's the most fitting word, but it's what I'm goin' with). For the most part I fade into the background, and I usually like it that way.

3 ~ I love the lake, (and the beach even though I've only seen it once). One of my favorite things to do is watch the sun set over the water and float on my back and gaze up at the stars. It's most definitely one of the most amazing, and peaceful feelings ever. (I went to the lake with a group of friends last night and saw TWO shooting stars) ^_^

4 ~ I used to be all about being alone and having my "me time". But lately I've become obsessed with being surrounded by people. Mostly specific people, but sometimes just anyone will do. I can't stand being alone. I think it's because I was away from everything and everyone I knew for an entire year at school and I felt completely alone for a majority of that time. So I'm taking advantage of my people while I can. We spend every second we can together. It's probably unhealthy, but I don't really care right now.

5~ I can be extremely socially awkard, and I suck at making new friends or fitting in with new people. I'm not the funny one, or the inspiring one. I'm not the talented one or the one that tells all the great stories. I'm not even the one that just has those great moments once in a blue moon where everyone stops and looks at you and laughs, or smiles or just says, "dude, that was deep". I'm usually just...there. I'm okay with it most days, but I can't pretend that it never bothers me. I have to wonder what's wrong with me sometimes.

6 ~ I'm not happy with myself at all right now. Physically, mentally, spiritually...it all sucks. I'm ready for it all to change, but not quite motivated enough to make it happen just yet. Which is a crappy place to be, trust me. But I'm slowly working myself into taking one at a time and fixing it. We'll see how that ends.

7 ~ I'm not happy with the place I'm at in my life right now either. Most people think that college is the best part of life. Freedom without too much responsibility. And maybe it is for most people. But for me it just kinda sucks. I'm ready to be past it. I'm ready to be settled into a career, married with 2.5 kids, a nice car and a respectible house...the American Dream.

Okay, it's about to get a bit confusing:

8 ~ I hate the idea of the American Dream. I'm not so sure that I want to have one specific career for the rest of my life. I don't know if I want to ever get married, or have kids. Or if having one home for the rest of my life makes sense for me. None of it sounds right when I think about it, but it all feels right when I put myself in the middle of it. The problem is, that could just be society talking. Society teaches me to want the American Dream. My faith teaches me to want what God wants for me. And I'm not certain what that is yet. Which is yet another reason why i'm so ready to be past this stage of my life.

9 ~ I used to fight with my family all the time. Lets just say they never really supported the whole Christian thing. But I've noticed that they longer and the farther I am away from them, the better I can get along with them when they're around. And I like it. I'm finding myself missing spending time with them for the first time ever, and actually skipping out on time with my friends to be with them. It's the healthiest relationship I've ever had with my family.

10 ~ I've always been so used to having that one specific person in my life. That one and only person I know will never leave me. Problem is...they always leave. I'm kinda sorta going through that right now and it hurts a little worse everytime. It's breaking my heart. I know that we all change and trust me, we have. I can't say that either one of us has change for the better or for the worse, but we've definitely changed. We just don't quite fit together like we used to. And it's killing me. I know i won't feel better until I let go, but I've always had the hardest time letting go.

This is getting difficult, and a little too somber. Let's try some easy ones:

11 ~ I love music. I've always had a thing for music, but it seems that the older i get the more i fall in love with it. And the more my taste in music expands. I'm pretty much listening to it all right now (except bluegrass. i refuse). And i'm listening to something every chance i get (without being rude, that is). I use music and lyrics to express my mood/feelings a lot of the time. It's taught me a lot over the years, and it can be very understanding. It knows how to put me in a good mood when i've had the worst day. And when i just want to cry, it's a great shoulder to lean on. Some might say it's an unhealthy addiction, but me and my music just tell them to bug off. :P

12 ~ I can be a neat freak when I wanna be. If i'm gonna be spending a whole lot of time in a place, whether it be my bedroom or someone else's house, it has to be neat and organized. I can't stand clutter.

13 ~ I've had two surgeries. One for my appendix and one three months late for my gal-bladder. Neither one was very fun, but other than that I've been pretty healthy. I've never broken any bones or anything. I was really sick when I was younger, and for the longest time they thought it might be something major. but they never found anything, so...who knows.

14 ~ I was in marching band all through high school. I played clarinet originally (in middle school). But when I got to highschool i changed to percussion. I mostly played the keyboard instruments (i.e. marimba, vibrophone, etc.). Then in concert season i switched back to clarinet (although i was never happy about it).

15 ~ I can also mess around on the piano and the drums a little (although it's been a couple of years since i've even attempted either). And I've started attempting to teach my guitar as well. It's going okay so far. But as much as I would love to be great at even one instrument, i don't see it ever happening.

16 ~ One thing that i do kinda take pride in is my ability to draw. I'm not amazing at it, especially compared to my brother and mom, but i do alright considering i've never taken the time to perfect it. maybe one day i'll get around to that...doubt it.

17 ~ Sometimes i can get a little too involved in television. Some of my favorites (not in any specific order) are Supernatural, Doctor Who, One Tree Hill, Glee and Bones. Although right now I'm actually not too into any of them. I catch them when I can, but I've been trying to stay away from the t.v. this summer.

18 ~ I've made a decision this summer to stop trying to be healthy for everyone else and just do it for me. And I've actually stuck with it. I ride my bike at least 10 miles a week (a few miles a few times a week) and i've been making healthier food choices as well. Granted, i don't always follow my rules. But i can already see an improvement, and it's nice to be doing something strictly for me for a change...although i have to admit that if a certain someone else noticed it would definitely make my year) ;)

19 ~ I've always wanted to learn how to snowboard and surf. If i could learn those two things i would be very proud of myself. Plus...it'd just be cool. I'd be the person randomly saying, "Hey, did you know i could surf and snowboard." -- "really? you've only told us a millions times!" -- "oh, sorry...but it's cool though, right?" <--yup, that would be me. I apologize in advance to anyone i may run into if i ever do actually learn how to do either.

20 ~ I have two mentors, who try to consider themselves more as friends now that i've graduated. But I will probably always look to them for advice. Even when i don't go directly to them, i often find myself thinking "what would they do in this situation". I will be forever grateful that God put them in my life. They truly are amazing people.

21 ~ I aboslutely hate the feeling you get when you want something SO FREAKIN' BAD and you know it'll never be yours. Yeah...I've been feelin' that all summer, and it sucks!

22 ~ I don't really have any specific dreams for my life right now. I'm just kinda hangin' on for the ride and waitin' to see what happens. I'm so completely unsure of what my life is and where it's going right now. And I hate that. But I don't really want to fix it right now either.

23 ~ I had two great friends that I haven't seen in quite some time stop by within the past three days. It has most definitely brightened my week. ^_^ Especially because I know that they're both doing pretty great right now. I've seen it with my own two eyes. They've got themselves pretty figured out, and I'm a little jealous. But mostly I'm just happy for them. And I'm super excited to have lunch with one of them next week! :heart:

24 ~ There are certain people in this world that will always have a special place in my heart, even though I may not talk to some of them nearly as much as i would love to anymore, and even though the ones i'm still pretty close to may not always be in my life. They are (in no specific order): Michaela, Jamie, Deidra, Tommy, Becca, Caleb, Heather, Chris, Justin, Loretta and Jody. LOVE YOU GUYS! I don't say that enough.

25 ~ I didn't feel like I really connected with anyone this past year at school. I was completely alone and, as mentioned previously, i suck at meeting new people. But since i've been away from them this summer i've really missed some of them, and can't wait to see them again. I feel like this next year is going to be awesome, and most of that is simply because i've realized how much some of the people at school really mean to me. Part of it may also be that i'm slowly starting to let go of what i thought i had at home. After being home for the summer, it's pretty obvious that it's not mine to claim anymore.

So there I am, completely raw and uncut....okay, maybe not completely true. But the point is I tried my best. Coming up with 25 random bits of information about yourself is difficult. I'm technically supposed to tag 10 people but...i don't have anyone to tag so, sorry. (Not really, but I thought I'd be polite).

Well, methinks I'm gonna go ride my bike to work and keep my friend company for a bit. Peace (Y)

Rockin Chairs and Guitars and Smiles

Can't sleep...again

Today was a pretty amazing day. I spent most of it alone, and for the first time in a long time I actually focused on positive things. Lately it seems every time I'm stuck by myself I take on the "glass half empty" perspective. But today was different.

I slept a lot, and watched some tv, but mostly I messed around on my new guitar...well, not new. But new to me. You see, this past semester I randomly decided one day I wanted to learn how to play the guitar. It was something I'd always wanted to do actually, but I had never actually gotten serious about it. I borrowed a friend's guitar to practice whenever I wanted to. I told myself if I stuck with it then I could buy my own over the summer.

SUMMER IS HERE! And a few days ago, I decided I wanted to buy my own guitar. I felt that I had stuck with it enough throughout the semester (I learned 16 songs ^_^ that may not sound like much, but I was a busy student :P). But the same day I decided to buy my own, something pretty cool happened.

My family has this "tradition", if you will, of eating at my grandparents' house every Monday through Friday. There's usually about 10 of us. My little cousin was riding his scooter that evening while we were waiting on dinner and asked me to fix it. I went out into the garage to hunt up the tools, and there on the top shelf, practically touching the ceiling, was a guitar case. I was very intrigued. After fixing the scooter I got out the ladder and climbed up to retrieve this prize. And what a prize it was! Inside was a most beautiful guitar! :D It was my grandfathers. Back before he had a stroke he played not only the guitar, but the banjo and fiddle as well. He was pretty amazing. I was pretty young when he still played, but I do remember sitting and listening to him for hours. And I also remember how picky he was about who touched his instruments. I was afraid, but I asked him if I could have it, and he told me he couldn't bare to see it go to anyone else. It's in great shape, aside from old, rusted strings (which is now fixed) ^_^

I went to the music store to buy some new strings and a capo today. I drove all the way there and back with the windows rolled down and my music blasting. It was calming. It was perfect. I spent that time thinking about my grandfather, and the man he used to be. We were so close. He used to take me and my brother fishing every weekend. We'd sit on the bank and talk and laugh for hours. He would go on walks with us, and ride us around in his old, worn down van. About 8 years ago he had a stroke and lost a lot of his motor skills on the left side of his body. He struggles to get around now, and isn't always in his right mind. I look at him now and miss who he used to be. Mostly, I miss the relationship we used to have. I barely even say hello to him anymore. Half the time he doesn't even remember who I am. I've dreamed of being able to take him fishing again someday, but I know that'll never happen. He's too sick.

Today, restringing his old guitar and learning a few new songs on it, I was reminded of the days when he would sit in that old rockin chair and play, and smile. I rememebered his promises to teach me how to play when I was a little older. He was so happy back then, so jolly. I loved looking up to him. I was safe when he was around.

I found comfort in promising myself that this guitar of his would serve as a reminder of the man he used to be. The man I still see when I look in his eyes. It's a reminder of the relationship we used to have, and the one I will strive to get back every single day from here on out.

I was laying in bed earlier, trying to fall asleep and couldn't stop thinking about this. Of him. His old guitar is lying on the floor next to my bed, and I can't help but smile when I see it out of the corner of my eye. Perhaps I'll sit in that old rockin chair tomorrow and play for him...and smile :)

*yawn* zzzzzzzzzz...

I Regret Nothing

I couldn’t sleep…

I’ve literally spent the past 3 hours reading through the most random blogs. I’m not sure why. I started out reading a short blog that a friend of mine posted. For some reason I suddenly felt compelled to return to her Profile Page for the umpteenth time. [I blame it on Shiny Button Syndrome. I saw the button, I had to click it]. From there I clicked on a blog that she follows, and after spending some time there I clicked on a blog which that person follows…and I just kept going.

Some made me laugh, some made me cry…some made me do this O.o hehe ^_^

But every single one made me think. I thought about…everything, really. Or, I guess maybe I should say everything that’s been running through my mind the past few months. And I decided somewhere along the way [I’m still not entirely sure if it was slowly or suddenly] to try my hand at this art form you call blogging.

I’m not sure what made me feel the sudden urge to write down everything that’s been on my heart lately , much less in blog form. I’ve attempted several blogs before but was never very successful. I blame many things: I blame my lack of interest, my age (at the time), my feeling of ineptness (is that a word?) at creating something worth reading, my inability to commit to anything…mostly, I blame my inability to remember my password :P ha! Sad, but true. I have four, YES FOUR, blogs out there circling the Web of Word Wide’s drain, and I can’t remember how to get back to them.

But alas, something has compelled me to give it yet another go. Maybe this time I’ll actually stick with it. But I’m not making any promises.

• 
  I’m not promising to forever remember my password.


• 
  I’m not promising to blog every single day.


• 
  I’m not promising to write anything amazing or philosophical or anything worth reading.
  


• I’m most definitely not promising that this is something I’ll actually stick with for more than a few posts.

I can’t even promise not to promise anything, because I decided exactly halfway though my list above that I accidently lied. I do promise one thing: everything I write from here on out will be completely from the heart, mind and soul – completely honest and outright. I will do my best at getting my thoughts and feelings across in a way that is understandable, but my words don’t always do their best. They can be inconclusive and indecisive, and sometimes just plain mean. I apologize in advance for any confusion that may ensue from reading my future posts.

The completely honest and outright part is a result of the very first line of this post. I will most likely be blogging on nights like this, when I can’t sleep. Therefore, I am likely to get tired and be a little more honest and let a few more things out than I normally would. But that’s okay, I regret nothing...until the next day anyway O.o hehe ;)

With all that being said, I think I may have just realized at what point I decided it would be a good idea to blog. And here comes to first bit of information that I normally wouldn’t tell people if I weren’t half asleep. I attend a college in Tennessee, and this past semester I decided – with a “gentle” push from a great mentor -- to start seeing a counselor. Her name was Brandy, and she was AMAZING. She helped me through a lot of things I never expected to get through, and for the first time in a very long time I was happy again. I was being social and making friends. I was feeling better about myself, and life, my future, my family, my friends. I was smiling…I mean, REALLY smiling. I wasn’t faking it anymore. Since I’ve come home for the summer, I obviously haven’t been seeing her. And I can already tell a difference in my mood. I realized while attending sessions with Brandy that mostly just being able to have that outlet was an amazing feeling. At some point, someone’s blog, somewhere out there, made me think of Brandy, and how much I miss that outlet. And I wondered to myself if maybe I could find that same feeling in something else…perhaps blogging? Hmmm….

So here I am. And now I’m leaving.

Until we meet again, on that lonely sleepless night.

*yawn* zzzzzzzzzz