Mother Nature Gave Me A Smile...And A Wink

I woke up at 5:30 this morning. Crawled out of bed at 5:37. Dressed, and walked out of my dorm with 4 hours of sleep and 2 Starbucks energy drinks. It was chilly outside, but not quite cold enough for a jacket. Perfect whether. Still pitch black, but the parking lot lights played a game with the puddles left from the rain that had fallen just a few hours before.

I stood high atop a mountain, above the clouds, and looked down on the rising sun. It was the most breath taking experience of my entire life. I felt like I was on top of the world.

 

 And then the clouds were kind enough to take me in for a little while. And they allowed me to enjoy their presence. Me...a mere human.

And when I had stayed long enough, they kindly asked me to leave. I thanked them for their generosity and said my farewells. They parted, and let me by. And through the clearing I saw the promise of life...a rainbow.

And just when I thought my fairy tale was over, they gave me a castle. Almost as if to promise that the dream could go on forever.

...And I believed...

We'll Just Blame It On Our Age And Call It Even

I keep saying that I'm over it. That I've moved on. That I'm not gonna let it bother me anymore. But we all know that's a lie.

I'm sitting here thinking about all the things that I miss about us. And it's the random things. The late night talks about nothing important (of course back then we thought it was life or death). The stupid jokes that we thought were hilarious. Your million different laughs. I could always tell how funny you thought something was simply by your laugh. The giggle...that was always my favorite. The giggle always told me that you were truly happy. Something in that moment just made you wanna be happy.

And as weird as it sounds, there's one thing that you said to me one time, ever. But it hit my heart so hard, and it will always stick with me. "I've missed you..." You said that to me exactly one year ago today. It was a Sunday. I had come home for the weekend. We were sitting on the fainting couch and you made a face at me, and I made one back. And you said, "I've missed you..." I miss that feeling more than anything. The feeling that I actually mean enough to you that you miss me. That you acknowledge my absence.

I keep trying to figure out what I would say if I actually had the chance to sit down and talk with you again.

Sometimes I imagine this long lecture, a b****ing out, as some would call it. A long list a reasons why I deserve better. But honestly, I don't. I know it, too. I've been a crappy friend over the years. I think we've both made some mistakes. And a lot of times I want to blame it on our lack of maturity. We didn't know any better. We weren't old enough to take our relationship serious.

And then there are those times when all I want is answers. Why are you running from me? What made me so undesirable all of a sudden? Why am I not good enough anymore? What did I do to push you away? Did I hurt you? Do you realize how much you hurt me? Why did we both have to change so much? Why is fate trying so hard to separate us? Do you miss me too? Do you even think about me? How do you see me now? Would it even bother you if we never spoke again? Would you notice if I just disappeared? Will you ever come back to me? And if you do, how different are you going to be? What made you feel like you couldn't talk to me anymore? Are you ever gonna give me a second chance? If we've grown apart, and we're both so different that it doesn't make sense for us to be in each others' lives anymore...then why does it hurt so bad without you here?

Sometimes I think to myself that if I could sit across the table and say anything to you, I would let you know that I was okay without you, but if you ever wanted back in my life, my arms are always open. On those days I feel like it was a good thing, whatever caused us to separate. In a lot of ways I'm more happy than I can ever remember being. I'm actually trying to figure out who I am without you in my life...for the first time ever. But will it be like that for the rest of our lives? Are we officially over? Or will there come that perfect day when we can reunite, and be stronger than ever? Do we have to find ourselves first, settle down, figure life out. Or can we start now, sense we understand how it's supposed to be done? We can be friends as long as we don't lose ourselves in the process, right?

But most days I imagine that I look at you across the table, and the only words that come out are, "I miss you...can we start over?" I would be perfectly okay with putting everything in the past in a trash can and lighting it on fire. Watch it turn to smoke and float up and away into the night sky. Never to return. Can you see it? Cause it'll never happen until we both can.

Bottom line, I wanted you to know that it hurts me to not have you around. It hurts me to think that I did something to turn you away. Day by day, I'm getting better at living my life without you. There are still those days when I can't help my break down and cry because my heart aches so much, thinking of what pain I must have caused you. But they're getting fewer and farther between. More than anything though, I just want you to know that while I'm learning to live without you in my life, there will always be a spot open for you if you ever decide to come back. And I'll be waiting, until you tell me it'll never happen. Even if 60 years from now (give or take) when I'm on my death bed, you still haven't come back...I'll be waiting.

<3 Love Always <3
The One Who Misses You

Update -- A Life Somewhat Worth Having

So I was reading a friend and fellow blogger's post and decided to make my own update on things going on in my life at the moment.

SCHOOL: Is a little weird for me this semester. It feels like I'm back where I should be (at least for a few more months) but at the same time it doesn't quite feel right. As weird as it sounds, I have to wonder if it's because I'm not in my old room. That room was like home to me, so this one is just...awkward. Hopefully that will change. Classes are going pretty good. I have four that are actually in classrooms, two of which are at 7:35am. Meh...(that's right, i said it!) Music Appreciation is one, but I don't think it is going to be nearly as boring as i expected. The other is Greek, and it is going to be doing some major kicking of my rear behind.

I also have a speech class, which is going to be as horrible (and more) as i expected. I'm a nervous person when it comes to the "all eyes on me" situation. I have to give four written/prepared speeches and 3 random/unprepared ones on whatever topic he decides to give us during random classes. I've already completed one the first day of class, it wasn't too horribly awful, but I've done better.

And then there's Lit class. Which you would assume means a lot of reading, right? NO! Because I have an idiot for a professor. Lots of writing unfortunately...and hardly any reading :/ we'll see how that goes.

I also have one online -- Acts of the Apostles -- which is also going to be doing some major butt kicking. But I'm going to enjoy it a lot, i do believe.

But with all that being said, the good news is: If i pass all my classes, I graduate in December! WOOT!! This is a major plus, considering that when I got here a few days ago I expected to be here for another year. Which wouldn't be horrible necessarily, it just makes things a lot easier on me in the long run if I can get out of here and move on to my Social Work degree as soon as possible.

WORK: I am currently looking for a job. We'll see how well I can handle around 20 hours a week plus 15.5 hours of classes, as well as the Ministry Hours I need for this semester. Not so sure how many I'm supposed to end with...I need to start figuring that stuff out...

FRIENDSHIPS: Being gone for a year and then coming back home for a few months played weird tricks on my friendships. There's one that was present but not quite a necessity when I left. But summer, and certain events and happenings, led our friendship in a "I need you in my life" direction very quickly. I'm missing that person MAJOR right now. I made friends with someone that I've known for awhile and never expected to speak to in my life (that's always interesting). Others I didn't pay near enough attention to this summer, and I regret that. But I plan on changing them for the better. I've already set up a "date night" (so we call them) with one the next time I'm home. I'm excited ^_^ <3 There are some that I used to be fairly close to that I don't speak to anymore. And then there's the best friendship I ever had. I feel I've lost that one completely at the moment. It tore me up all summer. I stressed over it a lot. But I've decided I can't keep pushing it when the other person doesn't care. But I'm not really giving up as much as I'm just waiting for them to make the first move. I can't keep letting it affect me the way it has.

FAMILY: Again, being gone for a year and then coming home did weird things. I found myself wanting to spend time with my family a lot at the beginning of the summer. Of course, near the end I was ready to leave them for awhile. But I bonded with my mother for the first time EVER, really. I don't know how to feel about my relationship with my family right now. All i know is...It's better than it's ever been. And i like it.

Yea, I originally planned on doing my Music Appreciation assignments between classes, but considering my next one is in 30 minutes...Umm, not gonna happen. Oh, and since I have 7:35 classes, my bedtime is 11pm. Which means no late night "I can't sleep..." ramblings. At least not during the week. We'll see how the weekend treats me.

Blonde Hair + Blue Eyes + Amazing Voice = *HEART*

Have you ever seen someone and there's just something about them that is so beautiful that you just can't stop staring? I've always had a thing for talented guys with blonde hair and blue eyes. Will Pugh definitely fills this position. His voice is pretty much perfect. I believe I could stare at him singing forever. Which is pretty much what I've been doing for a week straight...yea, I'm that obsessed...

I Should Most Definitely Be Sleeping Right Now

I do believe this is the first blog in a while that I'm actually typing because I simply couldn't sleep.

And I don't even know why I can't sleep right now. It's one of THOSE nights. You know, the ones where you know you have to get some sleep because tomorrow is gonna be so incredibly long and hard. And you're so extremely tired, to the point where you can barely keep your eyes open, and you're yawning like crazy. But no matter how much your body and your mind are screaming, "GO TO SLEEP ALREADY!!" there's still that one little something inside of you that you can't quite locate that's no where near ready to go to sleep.

You lay in bed, and you toss and turn. Then you watch some t.v. and you waste all the time you can possibly waste on facebook and playing computer games. Then you completely run out of things to do, so you crawl back in bed and toss and turn some more. And no matter how hard you try to fall asleep, there's just that something that's keeping you awake. And you don't have a clue as to what it might be. I mean, sure, you've got some things that you haven't been able to get off of your mind lately, but they're not so bad that they're gonna keep you awake like this. So what is it?! What could possibly be causing your body to have such a malfunction?!

I don't know...but I don't like it. I despise nights like this. Nights like this are the worst. At least on other sleepless nights, there are reasons. But this is just pointless.

A pointless, sleepless night.

Maybe if I stopped trying so hard,

I could just...

drift away...

into...

the...

*yawn*

Goodnight...

*zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...*