Sunday, September 5, 2010

We'll Just Blame It On Our Age And Call It Even

I keep saying that I'm over it. That I've moved on. That I'm not gonna let it bother me anymore. But we all know that's a lie.

I'm sitting here thinking about all the things that I miss about us. And it's the random things. The late night talks about nothing important (of course back then we thought it was life or death). The stupid jokes that we thought were hilarious. Your million different laughs. I could always tell how funny you thought something was simply by your laugh. The giggle...that was always my favorite. The giggle always told me that you were truly happy. Something in that moment just made you wanna be happy.

And as weird as it sounds, there's one thing that you said to me one time, ever. But it hit my heart so hard, and it will always stick with me. "I've missed you..." You said that to me exactly one year ago today. It was a Sunday. I had come home for the weekend. We were sitting on the fainting couch and you made a face at me, and I made one back. And you said, "I've missed you..." I miss that feeling more than anything. The feeling that I actually mean enough to you that you miss me. That you acknowledge my absence.

I keep trying to figure out what I would say if I actually had the chance to sit down and talk with you again.

Sometimes I imagine this long lecture, a b****ing out, as some would call it. A long list a reasons why I deserve better. But honestly, I don't. I know it, too. I've been a crappy friend over the years. I think we've both made some mistakes. And a lot of times I want to blame it on our lack of maturity. We didn't know any better. We weren't old enough to take our relationship serious.

And then there are those times when all I want is answers. Why are you running from me? What made me so undesirable all of a sudden? Why am I not good enough anymore? What did I do to push you away? Did I hurt you? Do you realize how much you hurt me? Why did we both have to change so much? Why is fate trying so hard to separate us? Do you miss me too? Do you even think about me? How do you see me now? Would it even bother you if we never spoke again? Would you notice if I just disappeared? Will you ever come back to me? And if you do, how different are you going to be? What made you feel like you couldn't talk to me anymore? Are you ever gonna give me a second chance? If we've grown apart, and we're both so different that it doesn't make sense for us to be in each others' lives anymore...then why does it hurt so bad without you here?

Sometimes I think to myself that if I could sit across the table and say anything to you, I would let you know that I was okay without you, but if you ever wanted back in my life, my arms are always open. On those days I feel like it was a good thing, whatever caused us to separate. In a lot of ways I'm more happy than I can ever remember being. I'm actually trying to figure out who I am without you in my life...for the first time ever. But will it be like that for the rest of our lives? Are we officially over? Or will there come that perfect day when we can reunite, and be stronger than ever? Do we have to find ourselves first, settle down, figure life out. Or can we start now, sense we understand how it's supposed to be done? We can be friends as long as we don't lose ourselves in the process, right?

But most days I imagine that I look at you across the table, and the only words that come out are, "I miss you...can we start over?" I would be perfectly okay with putting everything in the past in a trash can and lighting it on fire. Watch it turn to smoke and float up and away into the night sky. Never to return. Can you see it? Cause it'll never happen until we both can.

Bottom line, I wanted you to know that it hurts me to not have you around. It hurts me to think that I did something to turn you away. Day by day, I'm getting better at living my life without you. There are still those days when I can't help my break down and cry because my heart aches so much, thinking of what pain I must have caused you. But they're getting fewer and farther between. More than anything though, I just want you to know that while I'm learning to live without you in my life, there will always be a spot open for you if you ever decide to come back. And I'll be waiting, until you tell me it'll never happen. Even if 60 years from now (give or take) when I'm on my death bed, you still haven't come back...I'll be waiting.

<3 Love Always <3
The One Who Misses You

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful writing, Kaely...
    I'm sad for your hurt. Sometimes losing the ones we love can be terrifying, especially when it was voluntary.
    Keep writing. It will help. :)
    ~Sunny Insomniac
    Thanks for following me. Right back atcha!