Tuesday, December 14, 2010
since then, there's been a steady punch to the gut every hour or so
with every strike the pain gets worse
i have to say goodbye in a couple of days to some of the most amazing people i've met in my entire life
i have had a few places so far in my life that have felt...right
but this was the first place that's ever felt like home
this may be the hardest thing i've ever had to do
leaving this place
and these people
it started this morning around 5:30 when i woke up and realized there were 4 people -- not including myself or my room mate -- sprawled out across my tiny dorm room floor. i was in my bed. my room mate was in hers. and at various points throughout the night 4 other friends abandoned their own beds and made there way into our room, dragging their blankets and pillows along. this has become somewhat of a habit among them. they claim they sleep better when we're all together. especially when they're stressed like they are right now, during finals. i have to admit there is something very calming about having them all around me. something very...natural. i woke up to that, and tears came to my eyes. i realized just how much i'm going to miss the little things like that when i'm all alone in my apartment in a couple of days.
the second punch came a couple of hours later. i was walking to an exam with one of the girls that appeared on my floor this morning. she pointed out that this was the last time we would be walking to class together. ouch...
the next one came at lunch, when a friend who had asked me a few days ago if i could take her to the airport realized it may be the last time she would see me in a long time. a few tears slipped, even though she was trying her hardest not to show it. i think her attempts were what hit me the hardest. that hurt...
my room mate has tried to be so strong over the past few weeks. she's been determined that she's not going to say or do anything that may make me feel worse about leaving than i already do. part of that goal was to not cry -- at least not until the very last moment. i've been packing slowyly over the past few days. a suitcase here, a couple of boxes there. my attempt at keeping myself from falling over the edge completely and freaking my room mate out with an empty room. the pictures that made my room so homey were one of the last things to go. she walked in the room when i was halfway done with them and she broke down. we shared a short cry. that one cut me deep...
there have been several other "goodbye"s and "your not aloud to leave"s throughout the day that have all hurt in some way or another. still, i've stayed strong for the most part. but earlier my room mate was helping me and another really good friend (she's also leaving this semester) load some of our stuff into our cars. we were mostly silent. i think the reality of it all struck us really hard.
i've been holding back tears for the past hour or so
i'm sitting in the Underground Coffee Shop one campus
looking around at the faces of these amazing people
All i can think is
"why is God leading me AWAY from them,
when all they've done is lead me closer and closer TO Him?"
it's not making any sense right now
i pray that one day it will
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Exams for the next four days.
Moving into my apartment on Thursday.
Job interviews and unpacking all day Friday.
Family and friend time this weekend.
Life just seems to have consumed me lately.
I'll try to get back to posting somewhat regularly soon.
I've got a few ideas written down in my mental notebook.
Speaking of writing, NaNoWriMo went pretty well.
I didn't "win", but I ended with 40,281 (i think that's right...) words. So pretty close.
I'll tell you a little more about it later.
For now, a video to keep you entertained (i apologize, it's all i have. but it makes me happy, so maybe it'll put a smile on your face as well):
Monday, November 15, 2010
I've was always the girl surrounded by guys. But not in the way most girls tend to be.
Boys were always the better friends to me. Less drama, more fun.
I can remember back to my 5th birthday, and every one after. I always had one or two girls at my parties, and about 10 boys. Forget playing house, we played tag and football at my parties.
And when I got into middle school, my only girl friend left. She moved to New York and I was left with only guy friends. I was the only girl in a circle of some pretty cool guys (or so they thought). No sleepovers for me...
In highschool I had one girl friend, but we were both the type that generally chose to hang with the guys.
So what made me think that things would be different when i left for college? Perhaps it was the fact that I now live in a dorm full of girls, and no guys to be found. Or the fact that the second you get seen with a guy around here it's assumed that you're dating. Or maybe it's the school's ever existent attempts to keep guys and girls separated.
I should have guessed nothing would change though. Once a "hang with the guys" kinda girl, always a
hang with the guys" kinda girl. I mean, don't get me wrong. I have some amazing girl friends here. I couldn't have asked for better. And I can definitely attribute many of my memories of happiness and fellowship and trouble causing to them. Trust me, they'll get their bittersweet goodbyes.
But for now, I'll say goodbye to the men in my life.
J -- You're so patient and forgiving, I find it rather disheartening at times. It seems that I've caused you nothing but pain and heartbreak in the short -- yet so long, at times -- year that I've known you. But for some reason you still stick around. You tend to be all over the place when it comes to your emotions, but I completely understand that. Two days ago you acted like you didn't notice me when I smiled and waved at you, and refused to answer my texts all day. Yesterday you walked me to dinner and we laughed and talked like nothing was wrong. I know it's hard and confusing for you. It is for me too. You make me feel like no other guy ever has. You make me smile in a way that I never knew was possible. Just seeing you makes my heart jump. And yet, I can't make myself say yes to you. I don't know why. And I know it hurts you, everytime I say no. But all I can think about is how much better you deserve.
But I still run to you when everything starts falling down around me. And you still wrap your arms around me, and say that everything will be okay. You put all your feelings and mixed emotions aside for me, and you play the best friend role. The one that I need you to play, and the one that you hate so much. It will hurt me to leave you behind. You're the friend that I'll so desperately need through this transition in my life. But I know you won't move on until I leave you forever. So in a few weeks, we'll say our goodbyes...and probably never speak again.
C -- You treat me like your little sister...and that kills me inside. That's the last thing I ever want to be to you. Guess karma is a witch.
You have such an amazing passion for Christ and his people. You're loving and humble, and all you ever want to do is serve God. I find that inspiring. You make me want to be a better person, in all apsects of life. I can't be in a bad mood when you're around. I could be having the worst day possible, and the second you enter the room I'm smiling. You make life okay, and I have no idea how I'm going to live without that. How am I supposed to leave something like that behind? You've always got a good joke for me, and your accents crack me up. But more than anything, you care about me. The thought of me getting hurt makes your stomach churn (like that time we were playing wally ball and you thought I broke my wrist, and you were freaking out). And your heart breaks at the mention of me being all alone next semester. You've asked me twice already if I have to leave, and it hurt me both times to say "yes". And then we sat and talked about all the things I'm going to miss.
But I never told you that one of the things that I'm going to miss the most...is you. It's probably good that I'm leaving. I'll never have you. Might as well put you in my past sooner, because it'll hurt that much more if we wait until later. So in a few weeks, we'll say our goodbyes...and probably never speak again.
T -- I saw you around last year, I think we had a few classes together. But I only actually met you this semester. And I can already tell that you're one of the best guy friends I've ever had. You're smart, you make me think. You're funny, you make me laugh. You're humble, and passionate for Christ. You make me want that for my life. You're sweet. You're caring. You're there when I need a friend. You have amazing advice. And the best taste in music, movies, books and television EVER! It's very relaxing, just sitting back and dsicussing all of these things, and more, with you. Some of the deepest and most philosophical conversations I've ever had were with you. And I look forward to many more.
This may be goodbye for now, but it is most definitely not forever. Wanna know why? Oh, that's right, you already know =) you live in the exact same place I'm moving to ^_^ Our friendship just got started. There's no way I'm letting it end so suddenly.
A -- You're C's best friend, and a pretty good one at that. Your geniusness extends far beyond my comprehension. You've helped me out a lot over the past year and a half. You've never let me take the easy way out, and I know it's because you care. You want me to understand to my fullest capabilites. And I can honestly say that I am a much stronger and wiser person because of you. According to you, there's something inside me that a lot of people overlook. Can I fold you up and put you in my pocket? Can I take you with me? You're my encouragement, when all I want to do is give up. How am I supposed to get through the next how many ever years of college -- and life for that matter -- without you?
I'm not ready to say goodbye to you. You better have your cell phone at hand. I have a feeling I'll be calling a lot...
J -- (the other one). Most people think you're a creeper. And I have to admit you do look like one, with your skinny jeans, and your hoody with the hood always pulled up to cover your face. But I know the truth. You're the sweetest and shyest person I've ever met. And I'm not saying that they way everyone does to describe someone sweet or shy. I mean you are literally the sweetest and shyest person I have ever come in contact with. You've got a hard, thick shell, but when it's finally broken -- which took me a lot of time and effort -- there's quite an amazing person underneath. And would you believe it? The guy that never says a word suddenly has an endless amount of things to say. But that doesn't take away from your ability to listen. I tell you everything. And I know you won't betray my trust. And not because you simply don't talk to anyone else...that's not the only reason anyway ; ) You're a bit awkward in social situations, but that's okay. It gives me someone to be awkward with. Neither one of us seems to be good with people.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
I turned 20 today, and this is how it went:
Me and my room mate were sitting up around midnight talking about The Land Before Time. I don't know if you've ever seen these movies, but they were a big part of both ours' childhood. We've decided to watch them sometime soon. I can't wait! But as we were talking about the movies, trying to remember what happened in which one and the characters' names, my room mate pointed out that my first conversation as a 20 year old was about a bunch of non-existent little cartoon dinosaurs that I used to be in love with when I was like...five. Yup, this is my life. =) <3
My room mate had been sewing this beautiful pillow for a few weeks now, and she'd been telling me that it was a Christmas present for her Abuela (that's her grandmother -- she's Cuban). When I woke up this morning it was sitting on my desk with my name on it. Sneeky sneeky! Of course I loved it <3 And she also made me a card that brought me to tears when I read it. She's so good with words! And like any good room mate would, she also gave me a big bag of Reese's (my favorite!)
I went to class and aced a quiz, woot woot! Then I went to chapel, where the message was good and the guy I really like (who I thought didn't really notice me much) remembered all on his own to wish me a Happy Birthday.
After chapel, things weren't so good. I got a phone call from home, where instead of a simple "Happy Birthday" I received a lecture that was so far from undeserved it's not even funny. But we're not going to talk about that. I will not let it ruin my blog post, just like it didn't ruin my day. =)
I met some awesome people for lunch, and afterward one of my good friends gave me a very adorable coffee mug, some coffee and some hot chocolate. Mmmm, my favorite!
I went to Lit class, which was pretty boring.
I got a bajillion birthday wishes all day! Okay...maybe just a couple hundred or so (no exaggeration) And honestly, it made me feel pretty special <3 I love the people here so much.
No one sang me Happy Birthday. This may sound like a bad thing to most people, but I really don't like it. So it was a really good thing for me.
I have a delicious chocolate cake made by a very special friend in my refrigerator. Yum ; )
People kept asking me, as always, if I feel any different. Of course they were joking. But it made me think. I've thought about this before: I wonder if the world looks at a 20 year old differently from a 19 year old as much as I perceive them to. Maybe it's because they're no longer a teenager? It's just weird to think about. I'm no different today than I was yesterday, but I feel like the world will look at me differently than the 19 year old standing next to me. I wonder if maybe it's because when we're still 19 we're still associated with the teenagers. In this decade of our lives all we have to do is follow the rules, go to school, and chill with our friends. Some of us may have jobs, and we all have some sort of responsibilities. But life is pretty simple and outlined.
But now I'm 20. Suddenly I'm associated with a whole new decade of life. In this decade, I have to think about finishing school with a decent transcript and a good degree that will get me a career that will allow me to take care of myself. Now I have to get serious about the future, and what it may hold. I should be looking for someone to settle down with. I have some major goals to meet (according to society). By the end of this decade of my life, I need to be settled into a good, respectable career, married, with 2.5 kids, a nice suburban neighborhood, a medium sized house, and an income that will be sure to take care of my family for the rest of our lives. I've got a lot of work to do.
This new way of the world looking at me can be both good and bad:
It's good in the sense that I'm probably at least somewhat more likely to get a job than some snobby teenager who's only reason for being there is because mommy and daddy think they need to learn what life is all about. (Unfortunately, I had those parents). It's also quite possible that I'll be respected at least a little more out in the real world. I'm no longer some trouble causing kid. I'm an adult. (Which technically started at 18, but who actually considers an 18 year old an adult?)
It's bad in the sense that, consequences for mistakes are about to get much more harsh. I've got all these expectations laid on me out of nowhere, and suddenly life just got a lot more stressful. (Like I can afford that). I can't mess around like I once could without getting one of those, "grow up and act your age" looks. When I was 19, I got away with more because I was "just a kid". Life is going to get very stressful and boring.
This is how I perceive the next decade of my life to go. I hope that I am so extremely wrong.
P.S. -- I don't care if I'm 20. If I want to start a food fight in a nice restaurant than I will not be stopped. Your "act your age" snobbish looks don't frighten me!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
500 Days of Summer
I think I was the only one in my group of friends that liked it. So you may not want to take my word for it, but I thought it was amazing.
If you do however decide to watch it, you may be tempted to stop about halfway through. But I encourage you to watch the entire movie, because at the end the main character has an epiphany. And that epiphany is the most amazing part of the entire movie. (And it also provides several laughs along the way.)
I won't tell you what that epiphany is, on the slight chance that you actually decide to watch the movie...as well as because I'm thinking it may be the only leverage I hold that might actually convince you to watch it.
But I will tell you that it is a much welcomed truth to how life and love truly work. I can't stand what literature and media has done with "love". The way it has corrupted our view of what love "should be". The way it has made fate, the idea of "one true love", "love" at first sight, soul mates, and all that crap out to be something that actually exists.
This is not one of those movies. And I like it a lot because of that.
And with that, I think I'll leave you with some quotes from the movie, while attempting not to give anything major away:
~ "This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story."
~ "People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated."
~ "Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate."
~ "Look, I know you think she was the one, but I don't. Now, I think you're just remembering the good stuff. Next time you look back, I really think you should look again."
~ "Robin is better than the girl of my dreams. She's real."
~ "It's these cards and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all lies and the heartache, everything."
Monday, November 1, 2010
Last night was nothing short of amazing!
You're probably wondering what happened that made it that way. What did I accomplish, or what did someone do for me, etc, etc? What was so special about yesterday?
The answer: absolutely nothing.
Not really, anyway. I accomplished absolutely nothing. No one gave me anything or did anything that could be considered necessarily "special" for me. There was nothing especially different about yesterday.
Maybe that's why?
I slept in. Went to noon service at church. Came back and watched a movie with great friends while I painted a little. Watched some funny videos on youtube. We went to dinner in the cafeteria together. Then came back and watched another movie. I had a nice talk with a friend, where I think we both grew closer together and learned some things about the other. We messed around with our guitars and tried out some awesome four part harmonies. Had a dance party. Then I crawled into bed, read for awhile and went to sleep.
I spent my entire day with four of the most amazing girls ever. I grew closer to all of them at least a little.
This place already felt like home.
But last night...
last night I felt more at home than I have ever felt in my entire life.
I feel like I found four of my long lost sisters.
And it is the most amazing feeling ever.
46 days is definitely not enough.
I don't ever want to leave.
<3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3
Oh yea....and there was also some dragging of one friend from one room to the next when she was being particularly annoying ;) LOVE YOU ALEX! (and the "alan! alan!" bit at the end comes from this youtube video
Sunday, October 31, 2010
So i decided to do something crazy this year and participate in NaNoWriMo. It stands for National November Writing Month. They challenge people who are willing to participate to write a novel during the month of November.
I've got an idea in my head, but my lovely room mate asked me a few days ago what my theme was going to be. I looked at her like..."thanks, for ruining my life". The answer is, i have no idea. I've thought about it non stop for days now and still don't know what the central point of the story is going to be.
Here's the good news: IT DOESN'T MATTER! not really anyway. I mean, pretty much the idea is to not think too much. Just start typing on November 1st and see what happens.
Now you may be wondering what exactly I get out of all of this. Well, i get the satisfaction of being able to tell people i'm writing a novel, silly! It makes me sound WAY cooler than I actually am.
Be on the look out for excerpts, word counts, possible titles, and other information that may come up about my soon to be existent novel [yup...that feels as good as it sounds]. I'll try to keep up with my blog as much as possible over the course of this coming month, for the few followers i do actually have.
Happy Halloween ^_^
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Not that I haven't had plenty to write, or several fitful, sleepless nights that I could have spent typing. But my mind has just been everywhere else. I can't seem to focus much on any one thing for more than a few minutes. Even right now, I'm clicking back and forth between four websites, attempting to learn a new song, and working on some homework. So it's taking me way longer than it should to type this. But whatever gets it done, right?
You're probably wondering why I'm on here if I don't feel like being on here. But today is different. Today all I could think about was the incredible need to blog. Which is weird, because I kept asking myself, "but about what?" and never did come up with an answer. So I decided just to sit down, start typing, and see where it leads. And here I am.
One of my favorite songs at the moment just popped up on Pandora. I'm currently in love with it for several reasons:
1 ~ It's not a love song. I'm so incredibly sick of hearing love songs and mushy gushy crap every time I decide to listen to music. Seriously, count the next 10 songs you hear -- whether it be on the radio, pandora, or from your ipod on shuffle -- and see how many of them actually AREN'T love songs.
2 ~ It describes my attitude towards life and everything and everyone in it at the moment perfectly. I love it when songs do that. Because honestly, I suck at conveying my feelings.
3 ~ It has a few really good reminders that I need to hear several times a day at this point in my life: (1) Stop getting up for the let down, (2) Who you are is not up to them, (3) You've gotta mean it when you say what you want, and (4) You're saying anything that gets you by.
4 ~ The video makes me smile =)
5 ~ I absolutely love his voice. I don't really know why. But it's different, and I like it.
So I'm slightly sorry I have nothing better to type about...but I felt like blogging, and had nothing to say, so...
Monday, October 18, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Or weeks... The ones where everything feels like it's crashing down on you. It all decides to attack at once. You simply feel overloaded. And all you want, the only thing in the entire world that you can even think of, is the incredible need to crawl into someone's embrace and stay there. To fall asleep in their arms and wake up knowing that things are going to be okay.
I'm having one of those weeks.
Tonight was definitely the worst. The one thing I want right now, more than any other thing, is to have someone here. Someone that will wrap their arms around me and shelter me from the attacks. Someone that will tell me it'll all be okay. That I'll get through this. That it will pass, and I'll come out stronger because of it. Someone that will just...be here, for no other reason than that they love me.
So what do you do when you don't have anyone like that in your life?
Because I need something to make me feel better. I need something to take the pain away.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
At some point this past summer this thought occurred to me. I'm not exactly sure when it hit me. I just remember thinking about it quite a few hours. And even for the few weeks following, the thought would creep up on me. It made me step back and thoroughly examine my relationships with certain people.
Actually, now that I'm writing it out, I'm seeing it more as a realization...then again, I guess it could be both a thought and a realization. Not that that actually makes a difference...anyway.
I don't say this as though I believe I deserve to be at the top of anyone's list. Honestly, I don't expect to be. I don't have that type of relationship with anyone. Not really.
Most people place their significant others at the top of their list. I don't have one. Therefore I'm not at the top of anyone's list. That's how I've always seen it.
Also on that list you can usually find in some general order: school work, future plans, personal interests, etc.
But I always kind of thought that I was at least a general priority on certain peoples' lists. I see now that it quite often doesn't work that way. Most of the people put so much energy into the top of their list that they have none left over for the other people that surround them. Not in the "you are a priority in my life" kind of way, that is.
I came to accept this over the summer. And while I still have some trouble with it, I'm getting better at not becoming so upset with the people around me because of what they do or say -- or more often don't do or say. I simply remind myself that I am not one of their priorities, so it just doesn't cross their mind that not doing something simply because I want to hurts my feelings sometimes. As does not thinking about me, or saying certain things in certain ways. And so on.
Now I'm not saying any of this to upset those people. Or to belittle the amazing love I know they have for me. They are GREAT friends, that often times I don't deserve. I love them all dearly and for the most part am satisfied with the relationship I have with all of them.
And I'm not saying it to belittle myself either. I deserve to be someone's top priority. We all do. I just haven't found that someone yet.
I say it because today I had another thought/realization thingy.
I automatically assumed that in looking at these two types of relationships and seeing that in neither one am I at the top of anyone's list, in conclusion: I Am No One's Priority.
This is faulty. As I am in a habit of doing, I overlooked the two people in my life that will always have me at the top of their priority list. The two people that love me unconditionally, and whom I all too often don't acknowledge. My parents are amazing people. They endure more than they have to with me, and they do so with open arms.
I am their child.
I will forever be their child.
I will forever be their priority.
I don't always do so well with spoken words. But I'm decent enough at writing them down when I try hard enough. So I decided to write them a letter today. A very personal, hand written letter. To apologize for not appreciating them more often. And to thank them for making me their priority, no matter what.
So who's list are you at the top of?
And who's at the top of yours?
Do you have any letters you want to write?
Is there anyone you want to let know is a priority in you life?
Is there anyone you want to thank for making you a priority?
I encourage you to try this.
Or even just write them a letter. A personal, hand written letter. About...anything. Whatever you want to tell them. Just be sure you tell them.
Monday, September 13, 2010
I stood high atop a mountain, above the clouds, and looked down on the rising sun. It was the most breath taking experience of my entire life. I felt like I was on top of the world.
And when I had stayed long enough, they kindly asked me to leave. I thanked them for their generosity and said my farewells. They parted, and let me by. And through the clearing I saw the promise of life...a rainbow.
...And I believed...
Sunday, September 5, 2010
I'm sitting here thinking about all the things that I miss about us. And it's the random things. The late night talks about nothing important (of course back then we thought it was life or death). The stupid jokes that we thought were hilarious. Your million different laughs. I could always tell how funny you thought something was simply by your laugh. The giggle...that was always my favorite. The giggle always told me that you were truly happy. Something in that moment just made you wanna be happy.
And as weird as it sounds, there's one thing that you said to me one time, ever. But it hit my heart so hard, and it will always stick with me. "I've missed you..." You said that to me exactly one year ago today. It was a Sunday. I had come home for the weekend. We were sitting on the fainting couch and you made a face at me, and I made one back. And you said, "I've missed you..." I miss that feeling more than anything. The feeling that I actually mean enough to you that you miss me. That you acknowledge my absence.
I keep trying to figure out what I would say if I actually had the chance to sit down and talk with you again.
Sometimes I imagine this long lecture, a b****ing out, as some would call it. A long list a reasons why I deserve better. But honestly, I don't. I know it, too. I've been a crappy friend over the years. I think we've both made some mistakes. And a lot of times I want to blame it on our lack of maturity. We didn't know any better. We weren't old enough to take our relationship serious.
And then there are those times when all I want is answers. Why are you running from me? What made me so undesirable all of a sudden? Why am I not good enough anymore? What did I do to push you away? Did I hurt you? Do you realize how much you hurt me? Why did we both have to change so much? Why is fate trying so hard to separate us? Do you miss me too? Do you even think about me? How do you see me now? Would it even bother you if we never spoke again? Would you notice if I just disappeared? Will you ever come back to me? And if you do, how different are you going to be? What made you feel like you couldn't talk to me anymore? Are you ever gonna give me a second chance? If we've grown apart, and we're both so different that it doesn't make sense for us to be in each others' lives anymore...then why does it hurt so bad without you here?
Sometimes I think to myself that if I could sit across the table and say anything to you, I would let you know that I was okay without you, but if you ever wanted back in my life, my arms are always open. On those days I feel like it was a good thing, whatever caused us to separate. In a lot of ways I'm more happy than I can ever remember being. I'm actually trying to figure out who I am without you in my life...for the first time ever. But will it be like that for the rest of our lives? Are we officially over? Or will there come that perfect day when we can reunite, and be stronger than ever? Do we have to find ourselves first, settle down, figure life out. Or can we start now, sense we understand how it's supposed to be done? We can be friends as long as we don't lose ourselves in the process, right?
But most days I imagine that I look at you across the table, and the only words that come out are, "I miss you...can we start over?" I would be perfectly okay with putting everything in the past in a trash can and lighting it on fire. Watch it turn to smoke and float up and away into the night sky. Never to return. Can you see it? Cause it'll never happen until we both can.
Bottom line, I wanted you to know that it hurts me to not have you around. It hurts me to think that I did something to turn you away. Day by day, I'm getting better at living my life without you. There are still those days when I can't help my break down and cry because my heart aches so much, thinking of what pain I must have caused you. But they're getting fewer and farther between. More than anything though, I just want you to know that while I'm learning to live without you in my life, there will always be a spot open for you if you ever decide to come back. And I'll be waiting, until you tell me it'll never happen. Even if 60 years from now (give or take) when I'm on my death bed, you still haven't come back...I'll be waiting.
<3 Love Always <3
The One Who Misses You
Thursday, August 26, 2010
SCHOOL: Is a little weird for me this semester. It feels like I'm back where I should be (at least for a few more months) but at the same time it doesn't quite feel right. As weird as it sounds, I have to wonder if it's because I'm not in my old room. That room was like home to me, so this one is just...awkward. Hopefully that will change. Classes are going pretty good. I have four that are actually in classrooms, two of which are at 7:35am. Meh...(that's right, i said it!) Music Appreciation is one, but I don't think it is going to be nearly as boring as i expected. The other is Greek, and it is going to be doing some major kicking of my rear behind.
I also have a speech class, which is going to be as horrible (and more) as i expected. I'm a nervous person when it comes to the "all eyes on me" situation. I have to give four written/prepared speeches and 3 random/unprepared ones on whatever topic he decides to give us during random classes. I've already completed one the first day of class, it wasn't too horribly awful, but I've done better.
And then there's Lit class. Which you would assume means a lot of reading, right? NO! Because I have an idiot for a professor. Lots of writing unfortunately...and hardly any reading :/ we'll see how that goes.
I also have one online -- Acts of the Apostles -- which is also going to be doing some major butt kicking. But I'm going to enjoy it a lot, i do believe.
But with all that being said, the good news is: If i pass all my classes, I graduate in December! WOOT!! This is a major plus, considering that when I got here a few days ago I expected to be here for another year. Which wouldn't be horrible necessarily, it just makes things a lot easier on me in the long run if I can get out of here and move on to my Social Work degree as soon as possible.
WORK: I am currently looking for a job. We'll see how well I can handle around 20 hours a week plus 15.5 hours of classes, as well as the Ministry Hours I need for this semester. Not so sure how many I'm supposed to end with...I need to start figuring that stuff out...
FRIENDSHIPS: Being gone for a year and then coming back home for a few months played weird tricks on my friendships. There's one that was present but not quite a necessity when I left. But summer, and certain events and happenings, led our friendship in a "I need you in my life" direction very quickly. I'm missing that person MAJOR right now. I made friends with someone that I've known for awhile and never expected to speak to in my life (that's always interesting). Others I didn't pay near enough attention to this summer, and I regret that. But I plan on changing them for the better. I've already set up a "date night" (so we call them) with one the next time I'm home. I'm excited ^_^ <3 There are some that I used to be fairly close to that I don't speak to anymore. And then there's the best friendship I ever had. I feel I've lost that one completely at the moment. It tore me up all summer. I stressed over it a lot. But I've decided I can't keep pushing it when the other person doesn't care. But I'm not really giving up as much as I'm just waiting for them to make the first move. I can't keep letting it affect me the way it has.
FAMILY: Again, being gone for a year and then coming home did weird things. I found myself wanting to spend time with my family a lot at the beginning of the summer. Of course, near the end I was ready to leave them for awhile. But I bonded with my mother for the first time EVER, really. I don't know how to feel about my relationship with my family right now. All i know is...It's better than it's ever been. And i like it.
Yea, I originally planned on doing my Music Appreciation assignments between classes, but considering my next one is in 30 minutes...Umm, not gonna happen. Oh, and since I have 7:35 classes, my bedtime is 11pm. Which means no late night "I can't sleep..." ramblings. At least not during the week. We'll see how the weekend treats me.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
And I don't even know why I can't sleep right now. It's one of THOSE nights. You know, the ones where you know you have to get some sleep because tomorrow is gonna be so incredibly long and hard. And you're so extremely tired, to the point where you can barely keep your eyes open, and you're yawning like crazy. But no matter how much your body and your mind are screaming, "GO TO SLEEP ALREADY!!" there's still that one little something inside of you that you can't quite locate that's no where near ready to go to sleep.
You lay in bed, and you toss and turn. Then you watch some t.v. and you waste all the time you can possibly waste on facebook and playing computer games. Then you completely run out of things to do, so you crawl back in bed and toss and turn some more. And no matter how hard you try to fall asleep, there's just that something that's keeping you awake. And you don't have a clue as to what it might be. I mean, sure, you've got some things that you haven't been able to get off of your mind lately, but they're not so bad that they're gonna keep you awake like this. So what is it?! What could possibly be causing your body to have such a malfunction?!
I don't know...but I don't like it. I despise nights like this. Nights like this are the worst. At least on other sleepless nights, there are reasons. But this is just pointless.
A pointless, sleepless night.
Maybe if I stopped trying so hard,
I could just...
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
In short, it's amazing. And it's most definitely my inspiration for...well, i would say the day. But I have a feeling it'll be more like the month...
Monday, August 9, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
So, i did it! :)
I survived a week straight with my parents. We went to the beach. Yea, 12 hour drive with my parents...not so much. But it ended up not being as bad as I expected, and the beach itself was completely worth what few bad times there were.
Plus, I learned some things about myself. Or, I guess you can say they're about me.
Remember me saying before that I wasn't sure if I ever will find someone, settle down, start a family, etc, etc.? Well...I'm still not sure. And I'm completely okay with that. But I did learn a few things about what I would like in a relationship if the opportunity ever came along. (Is it bad that I learn what I want in a relationship based on what I don't like about my parents'...)
1~ I want a guy who's got some adventure. I love trying new things, and my mom used to be the same way. But my dad never has liked the whole "out with old, in with the new" idea. And over the years she's changed because of it. Even when I finally talked her into trying something new, she was so nervous that all she kept saying the 3 days leading up to it was "I don't know about this," "this is stupid," "this is dangerous," "i shouldn't do this,". She used to be all about adventure, and trying something a little dangerous. I don't ever want to lose my adventure like she did. Especially not because of someone else. I want to enjoy new experiences with the guy I love, not leave him sitting in the room while I go off and do it on my own.
2~ He can't be afraid of water, he's gotta love it as much as I do. I love being out on the water, whether it be the wide open ocean, a lake, or simply a pool -- he's gotta be willing to jump right in. My dad can't swim, and refuses to go anywhere near water, and because of that he missed out on all the fun. I felt bad leaving him behind, but I wasn't about to let him keep me from enjoying it. I don't ever want to have to be like that with my significant other.
3~ He can't be addicted to work. He needs to want to get away from work for awhile and at the end of the vacation never want to leave. I mean, I want him to enjoy his work. But I don't want him sitting around while we're on vacation waiting for it to be over so he can get back to his job. It's kind of a bummer.
3~ He has to love road trips. He has to be okay with just jumping in the car and driving away. Hours and hours on the road. No destination, just...going. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the view.
4~ We have to be able to talk forever and never run out of things to say. But also be perfectly comfortable being together in silence. My parents aren't so good at either of these.
5~ I could live on the beach for the rest of my life. Usually a week in one place and I get bored but I was never once ready to leave that place. We went jet skiing our third day there and we road through some of the channels. In one area, there were these b-e-a-u-tiful, absolutely gorgeous houses lined up along the water. They had these long docks that lead straight down to the water. There was this one old, stone house. I actually stopped my jet ski right in front of it just to stare at it. All i could think when I looked at it was, "Yea, I could live there. I could stay in that house for the rest of my life." It had the most awe inspiring view where it was sitting. I wanted it. In that moment, more than anything, I wanted that house. I wanted that life.
I started the ski back up and continued, but I was still thinking about that place. I've never felt so sure about a specific place in my life. It was just...right. At one point I even thought to myself, "I'm transferring schools after this coming year anyway...it would be so easy to find one near the beach. Get a place of my own somewhere." I knew it was a stupid idea...but it was all I could think about the rest of the week. All I wanted to do was go back to that house. That's still all I wanna do...
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
This has happened to me a few times. But I've never felt it quite like this before. It's a very large and imposing feeling (inside joke) ;) But seriously, it's scary how much this feeling about this one thing has taken over my life right now. I think about it practically all day, every single day.
I want it.
I want it so bad. And I go back and forth between, "Just stop thinking about it and go after it. Have some guts. Find the confidence you need. If you want it this bad, make it yours" and, "It's not worth putting yourself through that pain. You know it'll never be yours." And I so hate being in this place right now.
There are actually several things standing in my way, all of which involve hurting people I love, and quite possibly for no reason whatsoever. Because there's always that chance that it'll simply never be mine. But there are still those moments when I think to myself, "Maybe it's worth hurting them for..."
Don't get me wrong, I HATE, beyond words, that I feel that way. I would never do anything to hurt the people I care so much about. But I honestly can't help it. And I sometimes feel like they're the exact people that are keeping me from what I want more than anything else. And sometimes I despise them for it -- just for a few seconds. Then I hate myself for feeling that way. Then I think to myself, "But why do you always have to sacrifice your own happiness for everyone elses?" So really it's just a vicious cycle that I hate so much.
But what scares me more than anything is that I know what I want is so wrong for me. Not only is it something that will most likley just never happen, it's also something that doesn't ever need to happen. I know it's bad for me, but if the opportunity arose I would take it in a heartbeat. I would make it mine if I could. Even knowing in the end it would do nothing but hurt me and the people that I love.
Why are we so quick to destroy ourselves for temporary happiness?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Today was a pretty amazing day. I spent most of it alone, and for the first time in a long time I actually focused on positive things. Lately it seems every time I'm stuck by myself I take on the "glass half empty" perspective. But today was different.
I slept a lot, and watched some tv, but mostly I messed around on my new guitar...well, not new. But new to me. You see, this past semester I randomly decided one day I wanted to learn how to play the guitar. It was something I'd always wanted to do actually, but I had never actually gotten serious about it. I borrowed a friend's guitar to practice whenever I wanted to. I told myself if I stuck with it then I could buy my own over the summer.
SUMMER IS HERE! And a few days ago, I decided I wanted to buy my own guitar. I felt that I had stuck with it enough throughout the semester (I learned 16 songs ^_^ that may not sound like much, but I was a busy student :P). But the same day I decided to buy my own, something pretty cool happened.
My family has this "tradition", if you will, of eating at my grandparents' house every Monday through Friday. There's usually about 10 of us. My little cousin was riding his scooter that evening while we were waiting on dinner and asked me to fix it. I went out into the garage to hunt up the tools, and there on the top shelf, practically touching the ceiling, was a guitar case. I was very intrigued. After fixing the scooter I got out the ladder and climbed up to retrieve this prize. And what a prize it was! Inside was a most beautiful guitar! :D It was my grandfathers. Back before he had a stroke he played not only the guitar, but the banjo and fiddle as well. He was pretty amazing. I was pretty young when he still played, but I do remember sitting and listening to him for hours. And I also remember how picky he was about who touched his instruments. I was afraid, but I asked him if I could have it, and he told me he couldn't bare to see it go to anyone else. It's in great shape, aside from old, rusted strings (which is now fixed) ^_^
I went to the music store to buy some new strings and a capo today. I drove all the way there and back with the windows rolled down and my music blasting. It was calming. It was perfect. I spent that time thinking about my grandfather, and the man he used to be. We were so close. He used to take me and my brother fishing every weekend. We'd sit on the bank and talk and laugh for hours. He would go on walks with us, and ride us around in his old, worn down van. About 8 years ago he had a stroke and lost a lot of his motor skills on the left side of his body. He struggles to get around now, and isn't always in his right mind. I look at him now and miss who he used to be. Mostly, I miss the relationship we used to have. I barely even say hello to him anymore. Half the time he doesn't even remember who I am. I've dreamed of being able to take him fishing again someday, but I know that'll never happen. He's too sick.
Today, restringing his old guitar and learning a few new songs on it, I was reminded of the days when he would sit in that old rockin chair and play, and smile. I rememebered his promises to teach me how to play when I was a little older. He was so happy back then, so jolly. I loved looking up to him. I was safe when he was around.
I found comfort in promising myself that this guitar of his would serve as a reminder of the man he used to be. The man I still see when I look in his eyes. It's a reminder of the relationship we used to have, and the one I will strive to get back every single day from here on out.
I was laying in bed earlier, trying to fall asleep and couldn't stop thinking about this. Of him. His old guitar is lying on the floor next to my bed, and I can't help but smile when I see it out of the corner of my eye. Perhaps I'll sit in that old rockin chair tomorrow and play for him...and smile :)
Monday, May 24, 2010
I’ve literally spent the past 3 hours reading through the most random blogs. I’m not sure why. I started out reading a short blog that a friend of mine posted. For some reason I suddenly felt compelled to return to her Profile Page for the umpteenth time. [I blame it on Shiny Button Syndrome. I saw the button, I had to click it]. From there I clicked on a blog that she follows, and after spending some time there I clicked on a blog which that person follows…and I just kept going.
Some made me laugh, some made me cry…some made me do this O.o hehe ^_^
But every single one made me think. I thought about…everything, really. Or, I guess maybe I should say everything that’s been running through my mind the past few months. And I decided somewhere along the way [I’m still not entirely sure if it was slowly or suddenly] to try my hand at this art form you call blogging.
I’m not sure what made me feel the sudden urge to write down everything that’s been on my heart lately , much less in blog form. I’ve attempted several blogs before but was never very successful. I blame many things: I blame my lack of interest, my age (at the time), my feeling of ineptness (is that a word?) at creating something worth reading, my inability to commit to anything…mostly, I blame my inability to remember my password :P ha! Sad, but true. I have four, YES FOUR, blogs out there circling the Web of Word Wide’s drain, and I can’t remember how to get back to them.
But alas, something has compelled me to give it yet another go. Maybe this time I’ll actually stick with it. But I’m not making any promises.
I’m not promising to forever remember my password.
I’m not promising to blog every single day.
I’m not promising to write anything amazing or philosophical or anything worth reading.
- I’m most definitely not promising that this is something I’ll actually stick with for more than a few posts.
I can’t even promise not to promise anything, because I decided exactly halfway though my list above that I accidently lied. I do promise one thing: everything I write from here on out will be completely from the heart, mind and soul – completely honest and outright. I will do my best at getting my thoughts and feelings across in a way that is understandable, but my words don’t always do their best. They can be inconclusive and indecisive, and sometimes just plain mean. I apologize in advance for any confusion that may ensue from reading my future posts.
The completely honest and outright part is a result of the very first line of this post. I will most likely be blogging on nights like this, when I can’t sleep. Therefore, I am likely to get tired and be a little more honest and let a few more things out than I normally would. But that’s okay, I regret nothing...until the next day anyway O.o hehe ;)
With all that being said, I think I may have just realized at what point I decided it would be a good idea to blog. And here comes to first bit of information that I normally wouldn’t tell people if I weren’t half asleep. I attend a college in Tennessee, and this past semester I decided – with a “gentle” push from a great mentor -- to start seeing a counselor. Her name was Brandy, and she was AMAZING. She helped me through a lot of things I never expected to get through, and for the first time in a very long time I was happy again. I was being social and making friends. I was feeling better about myself, and life, my future, my family, my friends. I was smiling…I mean, REALLY smiling. I wasn’t faking it anymore. Since I’ve come home for the summer, I obviously haven’t been seeing her. And I can already tell a difference in my mood. I realized while attending sessions with Brandy that mostly just being able to have that outlet was an amazing feeling. At some point, someone’s blog, somewhere out there, made me think of Brandy, and how much I miss that outlet. And I wondered to myself if maybe I could find that same feeling in something else…perhaps blogging? Hmmm….
So here I am. And now I’m leaving.
Until we meet again, on that lonely sleepless night.