Have you ever wanted something? And I mean, REALLY wanted something? And you weren't sure what it was about that something that made you want it so bad, you just knew that you had to have it. But you didn't have the confidence in yourself to go after it?
This has happened to me a few times. But I've never felt it quite like this before. It's a very large and imposing feeling (inside joke) ;) But seriously, it's scary how much this feeling about this one thing has taken over my life right now. I think about it practically all day, every single day.
I want it.
I want it so bad. And I go back and forth between, "Just stop thinking about it and go after it. Have some guts. Find the confidence you need. If you want it this bad, make it yours" and, "It's not worth putting yourself through that pain. You know it'll never be yours." And I so hate being in this place right now.
There are actually several things standing in my way, all of which involve hurting people I love, and quite possibly for no reason whatsoever. Because there's always that chance that it'll simply never be mine. But there are still those moments when I think to myself, "Maybe it's worth hurting them for..."
Don't get me wrong, I HATE, beyond words, that I feel that way. I would never do anything to hurt the people I care so much about. But I honestly can't help it. And I sometimes feel like they're the exact people that are keeping me from what I want more than anything else. And sometimes I despise them for it -- just for a few seconds. Then I hate myself for feeling that way. Then I think to myself, "But why do you always have to sacrifice your own happiness for everyone elses?" So really it's just a vicious cycle that I hate so much.
But what scares me more than anything is that I know what I want is so wrong for me. Not only is it something that will most likley just never happen, it's also something that doesn't ever need to happen. I know it's bad for me, but if the opportunity arose I would take it in a heartbeat. I would make it mine if I could. Even knowing in the end it would do nothing but hurt me and the people that I love.
Why are we so quick to destroy ourselves for temporary happiness?