Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Raw And Uncut...Okay, Maybe Not (Y)

So this is awkward...

I'm writing this in the middle of the afternoon. I know it's been awhile since I've written, but it's not because I've been sleeping better. I've actually been sleeping less. Between work and three summer classes and some home-projects, and of course friend time...well, I've been busy. No time for sleep. And not much time for writing either. Which is very unfortunate, because it's much needed. I'm not that great at it, and I don't pretend to be. This blog is more of an outlet for me than anything.

However, since I'm not half asleep I'm most likely not going to reveal all the thoughts swimming around in this ol' skull-o-mine. [And trust me there's plenty to choose from]. But a few weeks ago I was tagged in a post challenging me to come up with 25 random facts and such about myself to post in a blog. So here's my best shot:

1 ~ I'm 19 (almost 20). I'm about to start my second year at a Bible College, where I'm studying to get my Associates Bible Degree. From there I plan on transferring to start a Social Work Degree. I'm not 100% on where exactly that's going to take place yet.

2 ~ I'm a fairly laid back person. I'm very average, and I don't pretend to be anything special or different. (Although I have to admit that sometimes I slip into that "look-at-me-I-can-be-interesting-too" persona...I'm not exactly sure that's the most fitting word, but it's what I'm goin' with). For the most part I fade into the background, and I usually like it that way.

3 ~ I love the lake, (and the beach even though I've only seen it once). One of my favorite things to do is watch the sun set over the water and float on my back and gaze up at the stars. It's most definitely one of the most amazing, and peaceful feelings ever. (I went to the lake with a group of friends last night and saw TWO shooting stars) ^_^

4 ~ I used to be all about being alone and having my "me time". But lately I've become obsessed with being surrounded by people. Mostly specific people, but sometimes just anyone will do. I can't stand being alone. I think it's because I was away from everything and everyone I knew for an entire year at school and I felt completely alone for a majority of that time. So I'm taking advantage of my people while I can. We spend every second we can together. It's probably unhealthy, but I don't really care right now.

5~ I can be extremely socially awkard, and I suck at making new friends or fitting in with new people. I'm not the funny one, or the inspiring one. I'm not the talented one or the one that tells all the great stories. I'm not even the one that just has those great moments once in a blue moon where everyone stops and looks at you and laughs, or smiles or just says, "dude, that was deep". I'm usually just...there. I'm okay with it most days, but I can't pretend that it never bothers me. I have to wonder what's wrong with me sometimes.

6 ~ I'm not happy with myself at all right now. Physically, mentally, spiritually...it all sucks. I'm ready for it all to change, but not quite motivated enough to make it happen just yet. Which is a crappy place to be, trust me. But I'm slowly working myself into taking one at a time and fixing it. We'll see how that ends.

7 ~ I'm not happy with the place I'm at in my life right now either. Most people think that college is the best part of life. Freedom without too much responsibility. And maybe it is for most people. But for me it just kinda sucks. I'm ready to be past it. I'm ready to be settled into a career, married with 2.5 kids, a nice car and a respectible house...the American Dream.

Okay, it's about to get a bit confusing:

8 ~ I hate the idea of the American Dream. I'm not so sure that I want to have one specific career for the rest of my life. I don't know if I want to ever get married, or have kids. Or if having one home for the rest of my life makes sense for me. None of it sounds right when I think about it, but it all feels right when I put myself in the middle of it. The problem is, that could just be society talking. Society teaches me to want the American Dream. My faith teaches me to want what God wants for me. And I'm not certain what that is yet. Which is yet another reason why i'm so ready to be past this stage of my life.

9 ~ I used to fight with my family all the time. Lets just say they never really supported the whole Christian thing. But I've noticed that they longer and the farther I am away from them, the better I can get along with them when they're around. And I like it. I'm finding myself missing spending time with them for the first time ever, and actually skipping out on time with my friends to be with them. It's the healthiest relationship I've ever had with my family.

10 ~ I've always been so used to having that one specific person in my life. That one and only person I know will never leave me. Problem is...they always leave. I'm kinda sorta going through that right now and it hurts a little worse everytime. It's breaking my heart. I know that we all change and trust me, we have. I can't say that either one of us has change for the better or for the worse, but we've definitely changed. We just don't quite fit together like we used to. And it's killing me. I know i won't feel better until I let go, but I've always had the hardest time letting go.

This is getting difficult, and a little too somber. Let's try some easy ones:

11 ~ I love music. I've always had a thing for music, but it seems that the older i get the more i fall in love with it. And the more my taste in music expands. I'm pretty much listening to it all right now (except bluegrass. i refuse). And i'm listening to something every chance i get (without being rude, that is). I use music and lyrics to express my mood/feelings a lot of the time. It's taught me a lot over the years, and it can be very understanding. It knows how to put me in a good mood when i've had the worst day. And when i just want to cry, it's a great shoulder to lean on. Some might say it's an unhealthy addiction, but me and my music just tell them to bug off. :P

12 ~ I can be a neat freak when I wanna be. If i'm gonna be spending a whole lot of time in a place, whether it be my bedroom or someone else's house, it has to be neat and organized. I can't stand clutter.

13 ~ I've had two surgeries. One for my appendix and one three months late for my gal-bladder. Neither one was very fun, but other than that I've been pretty healthy. I've never broken any bones or anything. I was really sick when I was younger, and for the longest time they thought it might be something major. but they never found anything, so...who knows.

14 ~ I was in marching band all through high school. I played clarinet originally (in middle school). But when I got to highschool i changed to percussion. I mostly played the keyboard instruments (i.e. marimba, vibrophone, etc.). Then in concert season i switched back to clarinet (although i was never happy about it).

15 ~ I can also mess around on the piano and the drums a little (although it's been a couple of years since i've even attempted either). And I've started attempting to teach my guitar as well. It's going okay so far. But as much as I would love to be great at even one instrument, i don't see it ever happening.

16 ~ One thing that i do kinda take pride in is my ability to draw. I'm not amazing at it, especially compared to my brother and mom, but i do alright considering i've never taken the time to perfect it. maybe one day i'll get around to that...doubt it.

17 ~ Sometimes i can get a little too involved in television. Some of my favorites (not in any specific order) are Supernatural, Doctor Who, One Tree Hill, Glee and Bones. Although right now I'm actually not too into any of them. I catch them when I can, but I've been trying to stay away from the t.v. this summer.

18 ~ I've made a decision this summer to stop trying to be healthy for everyone else and just do it for me. And I've actually stuck with it. I ride my bike at least 10 miles a week (a few miles a few times a week) and i've been making healthier food choices as well. Granted, i don't always follow my rules. But i can already see an improvement, and it's nice to be doing something strictly for me for a change...although i have to admit that if a certain someone else noticed it would definitely make my year) ;)

19 ~ I've always wanted to learn how to snowboard and surf. If i could learn those two things i would be very proud of myself. Plus...it'd just be cool. I'd be the person randomly saying, "Hey, did you know i could surf and snowboard." -- "really? you've only told us a millions times!" -- "oh, sorry...but it's cool though, right?" <--yup, that would be me. I apologize in advance to anyone i may run into if i ever do actually learn how to do either.

20 ~ I have two mentors, who try to consider themselves more as friends now that i've graduated. But I will probably always look to them for advice. Even when i don't go directly to them, i often find myself thinking "what would they do in this situation". I will be forever grateful that God put them in my life. They truly are amazing people.

21 ~ I aboslutely hate the feeling you get when you want something SO FREAKIN' BAD and you know it'll never be yours. Yeah...I've been feelin' that all summer, and it sucks!

22 ~ I don't really have any specific dreams for my life right now. I'm just kinda hangin' on for the ride and waitin' to see what happens. I'm so completely unsure of what my life is and where it's going right now. And I hate that. But I don't really want to fix it right now either.

23 ~ I had two great friends that I haven't seen in quite some time stop by within the past three days. It has most definitely brightened my week. ^_^ Especially because I know that they're both doing pretty great right now. I've seen it with my own two eyes. They've got themselves pretty figured out, and I'm a little jealous. But mostly I'm just happy for them. And I'm super excited to have lunch with one of them next week! :heart:

24 ~ There are certain people in this world that will always have a special place in my heart, even though I may not talk to some of them nearly as much as i would love to anymore, and even though the ones i'm still pretty close to may not always be in my life. They are (in no specific order): Michaela, Jamie, Deidra, Tommy, Becca, Caleb, Heather, Chris, Justin, Loretta and Jody. LOVE YOU GUYS! I don't say that enough.

25 ~ I didn't feel like I really connected with anyone this past year at school. I was completely alone and, as mentioned previously, i suck at meeting new people. But since i've been away from them this summer i've really missed some of them, and can't wait to see them again. I feel like this next year is going to be awesome, and most of that is simply because i've realized how much some of the people at school really mean to me. Part of it may also be that i'm slowly starting to let go of what i thought i had at home. After being home for the summer, it's pretty obvious that it's not mine to claim anymore.

So there I am, completely raw and uncut....okay, maybe not completely true. But the point is I tried my best. Coming up with 25 random bits of information about yourself is difficult. I'm technically supposed to tag 10 people but...i don't have anyone to tag so, sorry. (Not really, but I thought I'd be polite).

Well, methinks I'm gonna go ride my bike to work and keep my friend company for a bit. Peace (Y)

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