Monday, November 15, 2010

Bittersweet Goodbyes to my Guys

I've was always the girl surrounded by guys. But not in the way most girls tend to be.

Boys were always the better friends to me. Less drama, more fun.

I can remember back to my 5th birthday, and every one after. I always had one or two girls at my parties, and about 10 boys. Forget playing house, we played tag and football at my parties.

And when I got into middle school, my only girl friend left. She moved to New York and I was left with only guy friends. I was the only girl in a circle of some pretty cool guys (or so they thought). No sleepovers for me...

In highschool I had one girl friend, but we were both the type that generally chose to hang with the guys.

So what made me think that things would be different when i left for college? Perhaps it was the fact that I now live in a dorm full of girls, and no guys to be found. Or the fact that the second you get seen with a guy around here it's assumed that you're dating. Or maybe it's the school's ever existent attempts to keep guys and girls separated.

I should have guessed nothing would change though. Once a "hang with the guys" kinda girl, always a
hang with the guys" kinda girl. I mean, don't get me wrong. I have some amazing girl friends here. I couldn't have asked for better. And I can definitely attribute many of my memories of happiness and fellowship and trouble causing to them. Trust me, they'll get their bittersweet goodbyes.

But for now, I'll say goodbye to the men in my life.

J -- You're so patient and forgiving, I find it rather disheartening at times. It seems that I've caused you nothing but pain and heartbreak in the short -- yet so long, at times -- year that I've known you. But for some reason you still stick around. You tend to be all over the place when it comes to your emotions, but I completely understand that. Two days ago you acted like you didn't notice me when I smiled and waved at you, and refused to answer my texts all day. Yesterday you walked me to dinner and we laughed and talked like nothing was wrong. I know it's hard and confusing for you. It is for me too. You make me feel like no other guy ever has. You make me smile in a way that I never knew was possible. Just seeing you makes my heart jump. And yet, I can't make myself say yes to you. I don't know why. And I know it hurts you, everytime I say no. But all I can think about is how much better you deserve.
          But I still run to you when everything starts falling down around me. And you still wrap your arms around me, and say that everything will be okay. You put all your feelings and mixed emotions aside for me, and you play the best friend role. The one that I need you to play, and the one that you hate so much. It will hurt me to leave you behind. You're the friend that I'll so desperately need through this transition in my life. But I know you won't move on until I leave you forever. So in a few weeks, we'll say our goodbyes...and probably never speak again.

C -- You treat me like your little sister...and that kills me inside. That's the last thing I ever want to be to you. Guess karma is a witch.
           You have such an amazing passion for Christ and his people. You're loving and humble, and all you ever want to do is serve God. I find that inspiring. You make me want to be a better person, in all apsects of life. I can't be in a bad mood when you're around. I could be having the worst day possible, and the second you enter the room I'm smiling. You make life okay, and I have no idea how I'm going to live without that. How am I supposed to leave something like that behind? You've always got a good joke for me, and your accents crack me up. But more than anything, you care about me. The thought of me getting hurt makes your stomach churn (like that time we were playing wally ball and you thought I broke my wrist, and you were freaking out). And your heart breaks at the mention of me being all alone next semester. You've asked me twice already if I have to leave, and it hurt me both times to say "yes". And then we sat and talked about all the things I'm going to miss.
            But I never told you that one of the things that I'm going to miss the you. It's probably good that I'm leaving. I'll never have you. Might as well put you in my past sooner, because it'll hurt that much more if we wait until later. So in a few weeks, we'll say our goodbyes...and probably never speak again.

T -- I saw you around last year, I think we had a few classes together. But I only actually met you this semester. And I can already tell that you're one of the best guy friends I've ever had. You're smart, you make me think. You're funny, you make me laugh. You're humble, and passionate for Christ. You make me want that for my life. You're sweet. You're caring. You're there when I need a friend. You have amazing advice. And the best taste in music, movies, books and television EVER! It's very relaxing, just sitting back and dsicussing all of these things, and more, with you. Some of the deepest and most philosophical conversations I've ever had were with you. And I look forward to many more.
         This may be goodbye for now, but it is most definitely not forever. Wanna know why? Oh, that's right, you already know =) you live in the exact same place I'm moving to ^_^ Our friendship just got started. There's no way I'm letting it end so suddenly.

A -- You're C's best friend, and a pretty good one at that. Your geniusness extends far beyond my comprehension. You've helped me out a lot over the past year and a half. You've never let me take the easy way out, and I know it's because you care. You want me to understand to my fullest capabilites. And I can honestly say that I am a much stronger and wiser person because of you. According to you, there's something inside me that a lot of people overlook. Can I fold you up and put you in my pocket? Can I take you with me? You're my encouragement, when all I want to do is give up. How am I supposed to get through the next how many ever years of college -- and life for that matter -- without you?
          I'm not ready to say goodbye to you. You better have your cell phone at hand. I have a feeling I'll be calling a lot...

J -- (the other one). Most people think you're a creeper. And I have to admit you do look like one, with your skinny jeans, and your hoody with the hood always pulled up to cover your face. But I know the truth. You're the sweetest and shyest person I've ever met. And I'm not saying that they way everyone does to describe someone sweet or shy. I mean you are literally the sweetest and shyest person I have ever come in contact with. You've got a hard, thick shell, but when it's finally broken -- which took me a lot of time and effort -- there's quite an amazing person underneath. And would you believe it? The guy that never says a word suddenly has an endless amount of things to say. But that doesn't take away from your ability to listen. I tell you everything. And I know you won't betray my trust. And not because you simply don't talk to anyone else...that's not the only reason anyway ; ) You're a bit awkward in social situations, but that's okay. It gives me someone to be awkward with. Neither one of us seems to be good with people.
            I'm not ready to say goodbye to you either, and I'm not saying that we have to. But I think we both know our relationship won't be the same as long as we're not in the same place. We provide comfort for each other in a  place that is otherwise so...alien. I hope that we can still talk. But I also hope that you find someone else here that you can open up to and be awkward with. And I hope to find someone like you where I'm going. We all need someone like you in our lives.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

It feels like just yesterday that I was a teenager...

because it was ^_^

I turned 20 today, and this is how it went:

Me and my room mate were sitting up around midnight talking about The Land Before Time.  I don't know if you've ever seen these movies, but they were a big part of both ours' childhood.  We've decided to watch them sometime soon.  I can't wait!  But as we were talking about the movies, trying to remember what happened in which one and the characters' names, my room mate pointed out that my first conversation as a 20 year old was about a bunch of non-existent little cartoon dinosaurs that I used to be in love with when I was like...five. Yup, this is my life. =) <3

My room mate had been sewing this beautiful pillow for a few weeks now, and she'd been telling me that it was a Christmas present for her Abuela (that's her grandmother -- she's Cuban).  When I woke up this morning it was sitting on my desk with my name on it. Sneeky sneeky! Of course I loved it <3 And she also made me a card that brought me to tears when I read it. She's so good with words! And like any good room mate would, she also gave me a big bag of Reese's (my favorite!)

I went to class and aced a quiz, woot woot! Then I went to chapel, where the message was good and the guy I really like (who I thought didn't really notice me much) remembered all on his own to wish me a Happy Birthday.

After chapel, things weren't so good. I got a phone call from home, where instead of a simple "Happy Birthday" I received a lecture that was so far from undeserved it's not even funny. But we're not going to talk about that. I will not let it ruin my blog post, just like it didn't ruin my day. =)

I met some awesome people for lunch, and afterward one of my good friends gave me a very adorable coffee mug, some coffee and some hot chocolate. Mmmm, my favorite!

I went to Lit class, which was pretty boring.

I got a bajillion birthday wishes all day! Okay...maybe just a couple hundred or so (no exaggeration) And honestly, it made me feel pretty special <3 I love the people here so much.

No one sang me Happy Birthday. This may sound like a bad thing to most people, but I really don't like it. So it was a really good thing for me.

I have a delicious chocolate cake made by a very special friend in my refrigerator. Yum ; )

People kept asking me, as always, if I feel any different. Of course they were joking. But it made me think. I've thought about this before: I wonder if the world looks at a 20 year old differently from a 19 year old as much as I perceive them to. Maybe it's because they're no longer a teenager? It's just weird to think about. I'm no different today than I was yesterday, but I feel like the world will look at me differently than the 19 year old standing next to me. I wonder if maybe it's because when we're still 19 we're still associated with the teenagers. In this decade of our lives all we have to do is follow the rules, go to school, and chill with our friends.  Some of us may have jobs, and we all have some sort of responsibilities. But life is pretty simple and outlined.

But now I'm 20. Suddenly I'm associated with a whole new decade of life. In this decade, I have to think about finishing school with a decent transcript and a good degree that will get me a career that will allow me to take care of myself. Now I have to get serious about the future, and what it may hold. I should be looking for someone to settle down with. I have some major goals to meet (according to society). By the end of this decade of my life, I need to be settled into a good, respectable career, married, with 2.5 kids, a nice suburban neighborhood, a medium sized house, and an income that will be sure to take care of my family for the rest of our lives. I've got a lot of work to do.

This new way of the world looking at me can be both good and bad:

It's good in the sense that I'm probably at least somewhat more likely to get a job than some snobby teenager who's only reason for being there is because mommy and daddy think they need to learn what life is all about. (Unfortunately, I had those parents). It's also quite possible that I'll be respected at least a little more out in the real world. I'm no longer some trouble causing kid. I'm an adult. (Which technically started at 18, but who actually considers an 18 year old an adult?)

It's bad in the sense that, consequences for mistakes are about to get much more harsh. I've got all these expectations laid on me out of nowhere, and suddenly life just got a lot more stressful. (Like I can afford that). I can't mess around like I once could without getting one of those, "grow up and act your age" looks. When I was 19, I got away with more because I was "just a kid". Life is going to get very stressful and boring.

This is how I perceive the next decade of my life to go. I hope that I am so extremely wrong.

P.S. -- I don't care if I'm 20. If I want to start a food fight in a nice restaurant than I will not be stopped. Your "act your age" snobbish looks don't frighten me!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

A Story of Boy Meets Girl...

A friend just introduced me to a great movie.

500 Days of Summer

I think I was the only one in my group of friends that liked it. So you may not want to take my word for it, but I thought it was amazing.

If you do however decide to watch it, you may be tempted to stop about halfway through. But I encourage you to watch the entire movie, because at the end the main character has an epiphany. And that epiphany is the most amazing part of the entire movie. (And it also provides several laughs along the way.)

I won't tell you what that epiphany is, on the slight chance that you actually decide to watch the well as because I'm thinking it may be the only leverage I hold that might actually convince you to watch it.

But I will tell you that it is a much welcomed truth to how life and love truly work. I can't stand what literature and media has done with "love".  The way it has corrupted our view of what love "should be". The way it has made fate, the idea of "one true love", "love" at first sight, soul mates,  and all that crap out to be something that actually exists.

This is not one of those movies. And I like it a lot because of that.

And with that, I think I'll leave you with some quotes from the movie, while attempting not to give anything major away:

~ "This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story."

~ "People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated."

~ "Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate."

~ "Look, I know you think she was the one, but I don't. Now, I think you're just remembering the good stuff. Next time you look back, I really think you should look again."

~ "Robin is better than the girl of my dreams. She's real."

~  "It's these cards and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all lies and the heartache, everything."

Monday, November 1, 2010

This Is Home

Last night was nothing short of amazing!

You're probably wondering what happened that made it that way. What did I accomplish, or what did someone do for me, etc, etc? What was so special about yesterday?

The answer: absolutely nothing.

Not really, anyway. I accomplished absolutely nothing. No one gave me anything or did anything that could be considered necessarily "special" for me. There was nothing especially different about yesterday.

Maybe that's why?

I slept in. Went to noon service at church. Came back and watched a movie with great friends while I painted a little. Watched some funny videos on youtube. We went to dinner in the cafeteria together. Then came back and watched another movie. I had a nice talk with a friend, where I think we both grew closer together and learned some things about the other. We messed around with our guitars and tried out some awesome four part harmonies. Had a dance party. Then I crawled into bed, read for awhile and went to sleep.

I spent my entire day with four of the most amazing girls ever. I grew closer to all of them at least a little.

This place already felt like home.

But last night...

last night I felt more at home than I have ever felt in my entire life.

I feel like I found four of my long lost sisters.

And it is the most amazing feeling ever.

46 days is definitely not enough.

I don't ever want to leave.

      <3 <3       <3 <3
   <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
      <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
         <3 <3 <3 <3
            <3 <3 <3
               <3 <3

Oh yea....and there was also some dragging of one friend from one room to the next when she was being particularly annoying ;) LOVE YOU ALEX! (and the "alan! alan!" bit at the end comes from this youtube video