Monday, November 15, 2010

Bittersweet Goodbyes to my Guys

I've was always the girl surrounded by guys. But not in the way most girls tend to be.

Boys were always the better friends to me. Less drama, more fun.

I can remember back to my 5th birthday, and every one after. I always had one or two girls at my parties, and about 10 boys. Forget playing house, we played tag and football at my parties.

And when I got into middle school, my only girl friend left. She moved to New York and I was left with only guy friends. I was the only girl in a circle of some pretty cool guys (or so they thought). No sleepovers for me...

In highschool I had one girl friend, but we were both the type that generally chose to hang with the guys.

So what made me think that things would be different when i left for college? Perhaps it was the fact that I now live in a dorm full of girls, and no guys to be found. Or the fact that the second you get seen with a guy around here it's assumed that you're dating. Or maybe it's the school's ever existent attempts to keep guys and girls separated.

I should have guessed nothing would change though. Once a "hang with the guys" kinda girl, always a
hang with the guys" kinda girl. I mean, don't get me wrong. I have some amazing girl friends here. I couldn't have asked for better. And I can definitely attribute many of my memories of happiness and fellowship and trouble causing to them. Trust me, they'll get their bittersweet goodbyes.

But for now, I'll say goodbye to the men in my life.

J -- You're so patient and forgiving, I find it rather disheartening at times. It seems that I've caused you nothing but pain and heartbreak in the short -- yet so long, at times -- year that I've known you. But for some reason you still stick around. You tend to be all over the place when it comes to your emotions, but I completely understand that. Two days ago you acted like you didn't notice me when I smiled and waved at you, and refused to answer my texts all day. Yesterday you walked me to dinner and we laughed and talked like nothing was wrong. I know it's hard and confusing for you. It is for me too. You make me feel like no other guy ever has. You make me smile in a way that I never knew was possible. Just seeing you makes my heart jump. And yet, I can't make myself say yes to you. I don't know why. And I know it hurts you, everytime I say no. But all I can think about is how much better you deserve.
          But I still run to you when everything starts falling down around me. And you still wrap your arms around me, and say that everything will be okay. You put all your feelings and mixed emotions aside for me, and you play the best friend role. The one that I need you to play, and the one that you hate so much. It will hurt me to leave you behind. You're the friend that I'll so desperately need through this transition in my life. But I know you won't move on until I leave you forever. So in a few weeks, we'll say our goodbyes...and probably never speak again.

C -- You treat me like your little sister...and that kills me inside. That's the last thing I ever want to be to you. Guess karma is a witch.
           You have such an amazing passion for Christ and his people. You're loving and humble, and all you ever want to do is serve God. I find that inspiring. You make me want to be a better person, in all apsects of life. I can't be in a bad mood when you're around. I could be having the worst day possible, and the second you enter the room I'm smiling. You make life okay, and I have no idea how I'm going to live without that. How am I supposed to leave something like that behind? You've always got a good joke for me, and your accents crack me up. But more than anything, you care about me. The thought of me getting hurt makes your stomach churn (like that time we were playing wally ball and you thought I broke my wrist, and you were freaking out). And your heart breaks at the mention of me being all alone next semester. You've asked me twice already if I have to leave, and it hurt me both times to say "yes". And then we sat and talked about all the things I'm going to miss.
            But I never told you that one of the things that I'm going to miss the you. It's probably good that I'm leaving. I'll never have you. Might as well put you in my past sooner, because it'll hurt that much more if we wait until later. So in a few weeks, we'll say our goodbyes...and probably never speak again.

T -- I saw you around last year, I think we had a few classes together. But I only actually met you this semester. And I can already tell that you're one of the best guy friends I've ever had. You're smart, you make me think. You're funny, you make me laugh. You're humble, and passionate for Christ. You make me want that for my life. You're sweet. You're caring. You're there when I need a friend. You have amazing advice. And the best taste in music, movies, books and television EVER! It's very relaxing, just sitting back and dsicussing all of these things, and more, with you. Some of the deepest and most philosophical conversations I've ever had were with you. And I look forward to many more.
         This may be goodbye for now, but it is most definitely not forever. Wanna know why? Oh, that's right, you already know =) you live in the exact same place I'm moving to ^_^ Our friendship just got started. There's no way I'm letting it end so suddenly.

A -- You're C's best friend, and a pretty good one at that. Your geniusness extends far beyond my comprehension. You've helped me out a lot over the past year and a half. You've never let me take the easy way out, and I know it's because you care. You want me to understand to my fullest capabilites. And I can honestly say that I am a much stronger and wiser person because of you. According to you, there's something inside me that a lot of people overlook. Can I fold you up and put you in my pocket? Can I take you with me? You're my encouragement, when all I want to do is give up. How am I supposed to get through the next how many ever years of college -- and life for that matter -- without you?
          I'm not ready to say goodbye to you. You better have your cell phone at hand. I have a feeling I'll be calling a lot...

J -- (the other one). Most people think you're a creeper. And I have to admit you do look like one, with your skinny jeans, and your hoody with the hood always pulled up to cover your face. But I know the truth. You're the sweetest and shyest person I've ever met. And I'm not saying that they way everyone does to describe someone sweet or shy. I mean you are literally the sweetest and shyest person I have ever come in contact with. You've got a hard, thick shell, but when it's finally broken -- which took me a lot of time and effort -- there's quite an amazing person underneath. And would you believe it? The guy that never says a word suddenly has an endless amount of things to say. But that doesn't take away from your ability to listen. I tell you everything. And I know you won't betray my trust. And not because you simply don't talk to anyone else...that's not the only reason anyway ; ) You're a bit awkward in social situations, but that's okay. It gives me someone to be awkward with. Neither one of us seems to be good with people.
            I'm not ready to say goodbye to you either, and I'm not saying that we have to. But I think we both know our relationship won't be the same as long as we're not in the same place. We provide comfort for each other in a  place that is otherwise so...alien. I hope that we can still talk. But I also hope that you find someone else here that you can open up to and be awkward with. And I hope to find someone like you where I'm going. We all need someone like you in our lives.


  1. THANKS! ^_^

    it took me awhile to convince myself to write it. and then even longer to convince myself that it was something worth posting.