Tuesday, December 14, 2010

maybe one day i'll wake up and it won't hurt so much...but at the moment, it's hard to believe

reality hit me hard this morning

since then, there's been a steady punch to the gut every hour or so

with every strike the pain gets worse

i have to say goodbye in a couple of days to some of the most amazing people i've met in my entire life

i have had a few places so far in my life that have felt...right

but this was the first place that's ever felt like home

like mine...

this may be the hardest thing i've ever had to do

leaving this place

and these people



it started this morning around 5:30 when i woke up and realized there were 4 people -- not including myself or my room mate -- sprawled out across my tiny dorm room floor. i was in my bed. my room mate was in hers. and at various points throughout the night 4 other friends abandoned their own beds and made there way into our room, dragging their blankets and pillows along. this has become somewhat of a habit among them. they claim they sleep better when we're all together. especially when they're stressed like they are right now, during finals. i have to admit there is something very calming about having them all around me. something very...natural. i woke up to that, and tears came to my eyes. i realized just how much i'm going to miss the little things like that when i'm all alone in my apartment in a couple of days.

the second punch came a couple of hours later. i was walking to an exam with one of the girls that appeared on my floor this morning. she pointed out that this was the last time we would be walking to class together. ouch...

the next one came at lunch, when a friend who had asked me a few days ago if i could take her to the airport realized it may be the last time she would see me in a long time. a few tears slipped, even though she was trying her hardest not to show it. i think her attempts were what hit me the hardest. that hurt...

my room mate has tried to be so strong over the past few weeks. she's been determined that she's not going to say or do anything that may make me feel worse about leaving than i already do. part of that goal was to not cry -- at least not until the very last moment. i've been packing slowyly over the past few days. a suitcase here, a couple of boxes there. my attempt at keeping myself from falling over the edge completely and freaking my room mate out with an empty room. the pictures that made my room so homey were one of the last things to go. she walked in the room when i was halfway done with them and she broke down. we shared a short cry. that one cut me deep...

there have been several other "goodbye"s and "your not aloud to leave"s throughout the day that have all hurt in some way or another. still, i've stayed strong for the most part. but earlier my room mate was helping me and another really good friend (she's also leaving this semester) load some of our stuff into our cars. we were mostly silent. i think the reality of it all struck us really hard.


i've been holding back tears for the past hour or so

i'm sitting in the Underground Coffee Shop one campus

looking around at the faces of these amazing people

All i can think is

"why is God leading me AWAY from them,

when all they've done is lead me closer and closer TO Him?"

it's not making any sense right now

i pray that one day it will

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