Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I Am No One's Priority -- Faulty Logic

At some point this past summer this thought occurred to me. I'm not exactly sure when it hit me. I just remember thinking about it quite a few hours. And even for the few weeks following, the thought would creep up on me. It made me step back and thoroughly examine my relationships with certain people.

Actually, now that I'm writing it out, I'm seeing it more as a realization...then again, I guess it could be both a thought and a realization. Not that that actually makes a difference...anyway.

I don't say this as though I believe I deserve to be at the top of anyone's list. Honestly, I don't expect to be. I don't have that type of relationship with anyone. Not really.

Most people place their significant others at the top of their list. I don't have one. Therefore I'm not at the top of anyone's list. That's how I've always seen it.

Also on that list you can usually find in some general order: school work, future plans, personal interests, etc.

But I always kind of thought that I was at least a general priority on certain peoples' lists. I see now that it quite often doesn't work that way. Most of the people put so much energy into the top of their list that they have none left over for the other people that surround them. Not in the "you are a priority in my life" kind of way, that is.

I came to accept this over the summer. And while I still have some trouble with it, I'm getting better at not becoming so upset with the people around me because of what they do or say -- or more often don't do or say. I simply remind myself that I am not one of their priorities, so it just doesn't cross their mind that not doing something simply because I want to hurts my feelings sometimes. As does not thinking about me, or saying certain things in certain ways. And so on.

Now I'm not saying any of this to upset those people. Or to belittle the amazing love I know they have for me. They are GREAT friends, that often times I don't deserve. I love them all dearly and for the most part am satisfied with the relationship I have with all of them.

And I'm not saying it to belittle myself either. I deserve to be someone's top priority. We all do. I just haven't found that someone yet.

I say it because today I had another thought/realization thingy.

I automatically assumed that in looking at these two types of relationships and seeing that in neither one am I at the top of anyone's list, in conclusion: I Am No One's Priority.

This is faulty. As I am in a habit of doing, I overlooked the two people in my life that will always have me at the top of their priority list. The two people that love me unconditionally, and whom I all too often don't acknowledge. My parents are amazing people. They endure more than they have to with me, and they do so with open arms.

I am their child.

I will forever be their child.

I will forever be their priority.

I don't always do so well with spoken words. But I'm decent enough at writing them down when I try hard enough. So I decided to write them a letter today. A very personal, hand written letter. To apologize for not appreciating them more often. And to thank them for making me their priority, no matter what.

So who's list are you at the top of?

And who's at the top of yours?

Do you have any letters you want to write?

Is there anyone you want to let know is a priority in you life?

Is there anyone you want to thank for making you a priority?

I encourage you to try this.

Or even just write them a letter. A personal, hand written letter. About...anything. Whatever you want to tell them. Just be sure you tell them.

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